Monday, October 31, 2005

The Wind of Change

Don't you just love those big life changes?

Well, I hate them. In the past year, I've been through quite a few. And I don't do well with change. That's why I hate the changing of the seasons. It takes me a long time to really adjust. I got to thinking about this subject in the car this morning...I popped in a CD I made back in college, and Third Eye Blind's "Losing a Whole Year" came on. It struck a chord with me, because I almost feel like I'm in the same place I was a year ago...November 2004.

Back then, I was still living with my parents, but I was actively looking for an apartment closer to work. The irony is that my lease for that apartment began in November 04, and I just (as in this weekend) moved away from that place back to my parents' house. Today was the first day of my new hellish commute. I know it like the back of my hand, and it sucks every single time. It takes me one hour to drive 22 miles. In that time, I am able to do a lot of soul-searching, which will probably result in more posts like this one.

Back to the story...Moving out of my parents' house was a big change. However, I adjusted quite well to the 10-minute commute to work, being able to leave my bed un-made, etc. I missed my parents, but it was still great. I felt independent and confident.

The next big change occurred in June 05, when my boyfriend of four years moved in with me. This change did not go over as smoothly. To our surprise, we really didn't quite know how to live with one another. We didn't know how to compromise. In brief, our living space was always a disgusting mess. Under the way I've been brought up, this was unacceptable. And yet there wasn't anything I could do. I felt trapped in the mess, which just magnified by the day.

Now, when I speak of the "mess," it is safe to assume that this can apply to the way our whole relationship evolved after he moved in. We went from being a team to being me against him, or on other days, him being against me. And just like the real mess of dishes and papers and bird seed, the relationship snowballed. Every little thing magnified until the problems all seemed like huge obstacles. Without getting into details, I'll tell you what happened... big change number 3...we broke up.

It shocks me just to write it here, and I've been trying to avoid doing that, but I think it will feel better to get this out. Four years is a very long time to be with someone. I have gone through so many stages since the break-up, which occurred about 3 weeks ago. I started with plain old sadness--depression, crying, moping, feeling sorry for myself. Then it become something like nostalgia--fondly remembering all the great times we had. Now? I just feel...empty. I feel a loss. There is a void in me that even emotion is not filling.

How do you go from being practically married (in the emotional sense) to nothing? It's a hell of a change, and it's one I didn't think I was strong enough to handle. But, the one good thing resulting from this is that I am handling it. Sure, I break down in tears at the drop of a hat, but I'm surviving. Which brings us to our final change in the viscious circle that has defined the past year...I'm back at my parents' house.

I've been at the house precisely two days. And, yes, it feels good. It feels so safe and warm. also feels a little suffocating. I've already been informed that I must make my bed every day. I know this seems like a little thing, but it brings out the immature kid in me: "Why should I make my bed? If you don't want to see the un-made bed, don't go in my room."

Alas, I can't say stuff like that anymore. I've gotta suck it up and live by their rules. And maybe one day, when I'm ready to re-introduce myself to the real world, I'll live by my own.

In closing, I give you one of the greatest songs ever made, "The Wind of Change" by the Scorpions. This one's for you, K.

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I fallow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change

The wind of change blows straight
Into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring
The freedom bell for peace of mind
Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change


At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Mathieu said...

I think you once commented in my blog..wishing you could write about intimate things in your journal. Well, I think you just did, and I think you did it wonderfully. I'm very sorry to hear about big change number three. I could say "hang in there", but I'm sure you are.

At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you for being so strong. You're taking steps forward even though I'm sure that isn't too easy. Know that I am here for matter what..and always will be!


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