A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

The New Relationship Post

Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control.

Of anything. The traffic, my emotions, my relationships with other people, my pets, bad luck, good experiences, my LIFE.

I feel like total crap today. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel tired. I feel unmotivated. I feel not pretty.

And I feel...powerless to change any of that.

I feel things spiraling away from me. I can't seem to put my mind to anything and keep it.

I fear that I'm too easily manipulated by others. I don't know who to trust. And I'm not putting enough stock in the people who have already proven their trust to me.

I like to believe what makes me feel good. I like to believe what makes me feel safe. I like to believe that the easy way is the right way.

None of this is true though, is it?

I think a lot of my uneasiness is stemming from the fact that I am starting a new relationship. With a guy, yes. A guy I met in "real life."

Yes, it happened (!!!). I met someone (!!!). And I've been riding on this giddy feeling ever since. But it's starting to dissipate now, and the fear is kicking in... :-(

I don't want to make myself vulnerable. The strange part is, it's usually just the opposite for me. I'm usually guarded. I'm usually "safe" because I don't put too much of myself into the equation.

But now, after almost a year of being "single," I am so eager to be involved in this type of relationship. Too eager, perhaps. Am I jumping head first into this because I am lonely? Or because it's right? Because I am needy and insecure? Or because it's actually healthy for me?

I feel myself depending on him a little bit. And that really really scares me. I don't like putting expectations on people because inevitably they'll never live up to said expectations. The problem is...I expect a lot. Perhaps too much.

This guy's not perfect. Of course, I don't think anyone is. But is he perfect enough for me? Is our social and physical chemistry enough? The spark is there this time, but is all the other stuff there? Should I be having these insecure and fearful feelings this early on? What does that mean?

I love being with him. But I can't help feeling that my life was a whole lot easier without anyone else in the equation. Is that a bad thing?

I have so many questions. How do I possibly answer them?

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 1:44 PM 2 yawns

A Belated Memoriam

I meant to write a post about 9/11 yesterday.

But I didn't.

In fact, after deeply conteplating what the day meant to me--and to so many other people--on my drive in, thoughts about it vanished almost completely. I got carried away with work and then with class, and with everything else that normally bogs my mind down in the course of an overcast Monday.

I even complained about the weather, the fact that I was tired, and the prospect of going to a five-hour class. I believe I even wrote in one e-mail "Why does today suck so bad?"

And I must say I'm rather ashamed of myself. Yesterday sucked, yes, but not because of my mundane and trivial problems. It sucked because of something that happened five years ago that our nation--and possibly the world--will never forget. History changed on September 11, 2001. I feel I must acknowledge that. I must put my life in perspective.

And yet, at the same time, maybe it's good that I was able to let go yesterday. That I was able to be so ignorant. I suppose that makes life easier.

It's just like with my dad's cancer. If I constantly think about it, I can't possibly lead a healthy life. I can't concentrate on anything important because what he is going through so easily trumps anything I'm going through. Thinking of him being sick makes me feel sick.

I know it's important to remember and to honor those who lost their lives and those who became heroes on that day five years ago. But there is only so much we can give of ourselves--as individuals, and as a nation.

Now, I'm talking from the perspective of someone who was as detached from that day as anyone could be; I wasn't even in the DC area when it happened, and I didn't know anyone directly affected by the tragedy. So I know that makes all of this easier for me. I know I might sound ignorant.

But I can't help thinking...when are we going to let ourselves heal?

I guess the answer is that it isn't up to us. It's up to time. It's up to the next generation. It's up to the world.

Or perhaps this is something so cataclysmic that we will never heal from it.

And maybe we shouldn't.

My heart and thoughts go out to anyone affected, no matter how remotely, by the events of September 11, 2001. May you continue to gain strength and peace in the wake of such a life-changing event.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 2:26 PM 2 yawns