The New Relationship Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control.Of anything. The traffic, my emotions, my relationships with other people, my pets, bad luck, good experiences, my LIFE.
I feel like total crap today. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel tired. I feel unmotivated. I feel not pretty.
And I feel...powerless to change any of that.
I feel things spiraling away from me. I can't seem to put my mind to anything and keep it.
I fear that I'm too easily manipulated by others. I don't know who to trust. And I'm not putting enough stock in the people who have already proven their trust to me.
I like to believe what makes me feel good. I like to believe what makes me feel safe. I like to believe that the easy way is the right way.
None of this is true though, is it?
I think a lot of my uneasiness is stemming from the fact that I am starting a new relationship. With a guy, yes. A guy I met in "real life."
Yes, it happened (!!!). I met someone (!!!). And I've been riding on this giddy feeling ever since. But it's starting to dissipate now, and the fear is kicking in... :-(
I don't want to make myself vulnerable. The strange part is, it's usually just the opposite for me. I'm usually guarded. I'm usually "safe" because I don't put too much of myself into the equation.
But now, after almost a year of being "single," I am so eager to be involved in this type of relationship. Too eager, perhaps. Am I jumping head first into this because I am lonely? Or because it's right? Because I am needy and insecure? Or because it's actually healthy for me?
I feel myself depending on him a little bit. And that really really scares me. I don't like putting expectations on people because inevitably they'll never live up to said expectations. The problem is...I expect a lot. Perhaps too much.
This guy's not perfect. Of course, I don't think anyone is. But is he perfect enough for me? Is our social and physical chemistry enough? The spark is there this time, but is all the other stuff there? Should I be having these insecure and fearful feelings this early on? What does that mean?
I love being with him. But I can't help feeling that my life was a whole lot easier without anyone else in the equation. Is that a bad thing?
I have so many questions. How do I possibly answer them?
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 1:44 PM
2 Comments:
Dear dear Lauren: relax! This is a good thing that's happening in your life right now, okay?
It's very normal to have all these questions, and it's even more normal to not find all the answers to them. And guess what? Í think that's just fine. You're plunging into this new thing and they don't hand out textbooks at the start. But I know you know you will find many of your answers just as you go along. Because that's what I think you should do. Just go with it. See where it takes you, it's an adventure!
There's nothing wrong with making yourself vulnerable, I think. Because I believe it's only when you open up to the idea of a New Love, that you will truly féél all those fucking, pardon, friggin' butterflies, the ones that really carry you up and fly you through the sky. Sure, the sky up there is dark and mysterious, but it's there for you to explore.
Jesus, I don't think I'm making any sense. I guess what I basically want to say is:
don't worry too much, and just enjoy it.
Wow I that is the same thing I'm seeing happen to my best friend. The only advise I have for you, is if you have the feeling in the back of your head that you can trust him. He probably trusts you just as much. If you push him away, it will probably break him, I understand you need time, but don't let a little fear break a friendship.
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