I figured me out
The sad reality of my life is this: I need men to feel good about myself.And even sadder? More often than not, men make me feel bad about myself.
I am constantly looking for their approval. Because for one reason or another, I base about 99.9 percent of my self worth on my looks alone.
I know this is ridiculous. Yet I cannot change the way I am.
I somehow grew up to be this way. Why? I truly do not know.
I have great parents. They love me unconditionally.
I had a happy childhood. Nothing really traumatizing ever happened to me.
Maybe it was the little, every day things that made me this way. Like my mom's constant complants about her own body and hair. Or the way she agonized over the clothes I would wear to school. The way she'd yell at me until I wore the exact outfit she picked out.
Maybe it was that my dad didn't give me enough affection. Maybe he didn't hug me enough, maybe he didn't tell me I was pretty as much as he could have.
Maybe it was society. For placing so much emphasis on women's bodies on TV, in advertisements, and everywhere else.
Maybe it was the people in high school. Those girls with their tan skin, big boobs and little waists. The ones who seemed to always have the boys' attention. They didn't do anything to me at all. But I still hated them.
And yet somehow, I came out of all of this hating myself.
I'm intelligent, kind, and even pretty good-looking. But I still have a problem with me. I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I still need constant attention and reassurance to feel good.
The crazy thing is...the more attention I get, the more I crave. It's never enough. I'm always craving. Always interpreting the worst out of every situation that even remotely involves my body image. Always searching for reasons why I'm not good enough.
Maybe the blame shouldn't fall on anyone. I can't blame my parents for making me this way. I should be grateful to them for being as wonderful as they are. And I certainly can't blame people that didn't even know me, or something as abstract as society itself.
I can only blame the one person who has the ability to someday change this sad reality.
Me.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 11:29 PM
5 Comments:
Hey...You're a wóman! you're completely normal, all women need men to feel good about themselves. All that feminist self-assurance yak is absolute bollocks!
no, seriously, you'd be surprised how many women feel exactly like you. of course it's sad in a way, and I too don't know where it comes from, you are confident enough to call yourself kind, intelligent and good-looking (all true!). So I still think it's just a female thing ;) (but what do I know, right?)
There's no reason to blame yourself. We all go through variations of this because the entire world is obsessed with the external forms of beauty.
The trick of it is that you figured it out, and earlier than most too.
99.9% of the world's population needs validation and need to be told that they're loved and cared for and valued. You've just figured out that when people tell you you're beautiful, that it's a pretty shallow form of value.
Have pride in the fact that you've figured it out and can change things, don't blame yourself for discovering a way to better things.
You are completely normal. It is a part of our culture. I doubt seriously whether your parents had much to do with it.
My answer to you: Learn to love yourself flaws and all. You can do it if you try. :)
We all like to feel important.
What makes us feel important is different for different people.
As a generalisation, receiving attention based on their appearance makes women feel important.
I don't really see that as an abnormal thing. In fact, it probably relates to our human nature and instincts.
Don't feel bad about yourself =)
Thanks, guys. It is reassuring to know that I am relatively "normal" in feeling this way. I was clearly having a bad night when I wrote that post. Hopefully my next post will be more upbeat!
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