Singleness
I'm sitting at work, staring vacantly at my computer screen. A Grateful Dead song starts playing on my iPod and I immediately hit the skip button when all of a sudden...BAM...it's the Smashing Pumpkins. 1979.It's him.
Another one of his favorite bands, another one of his favorite songs, and yet another reminder of what used to be.
And I hate it. I hate having to take pause in the middle of the afternoon just because some song makes me feel sad. I hate that things like this can still affect me so profoundly nine months after we broke up. I hate being such a girl.
And perhaps most of all, I hate my singleness. I even hate the fact that I hate my singleness. Because my rational self knows I need to be alone. And it knows that most days I'm perfectly happy alone.
It's when I'm confronted with little reminders of our coupledom that I get all nostalgic and long for that warm body next to me. It's not even his body I want. It's just any body. Faceless.
I haven't found my body yet.
Every time I see a couple holding hands, I wonder when it will be my turn to have that special connection with someone. Every time I hear about another person getting engaged, every time I see a cheesy romantic comedy, every time, every time, every time.
It feels like couples are all around me. It feels unfair. Why do all these people get to have what I want? What have I done wrong? When is it my turn to be happy with someone?
I don't understand how some people find contentedness with someone so early in life. Theoretically, it just shouldn't be possible. Out of all the people in the world, they find one who is "perfect" and who they're perfectly "happy" marrying. And yet they've barely even explored the world, barely even experienced anything. They're not even mature adults and yet they're getting married.
I suppose I'm jealous. It's hard not to be when I have very good friends who are all settled down with their perfect guys, planning out their lives. They have someone to call whenever they want. Someone to be there for them no matter what. The only people I can depend on in that way are my immediate family. And even then, I can't ask too much of them.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Sometimes I think I just want someone there--that body--to make me feel better. To complete me as a person. I want to take all I can from them and suck them dry of all compassion and love.
I want a human sponge. I feel like I've fulfilled that role for other people. I know it's not at all healthy. But I still want it.
Sometimes my singleness feels refreshing. And sometimes it feels like this--stifling and empty. I guess those are just the ups and downs of finding my own way.
And after so many years of letting someone else lead me blindly around, I know I have to be my own leader. My own source of confidence. My own biggest fan.
It's just kind of crappy.
Shakedown 1979,
cool kids never have the time
On a live wire right up off the street
You and I should meet
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 2:16 PM
4 Comments:
I know exactly what you mean. It's not just a girl thing. There are many times when I just want to be with someone. Good post.
I am not complaining about the ratio in DC. I am complaining that the quality and type of girls that I am looking from are not here. Trust me, after 9 years I still haven't found a good one.
Cool! I've never had commenters actually discuss something on my blog before. I kind of agree with both of you here. Sure, there are plenty of single people in DC. It's just a matter of meeting the right one that's the problem. I haven't met my "type" yet either, Tyler. Who knows, maybe you're him? :-)
I recently came across a thought. Once that left me with a possible understanding of why this happens.
Do you know that feeling, where your not really part of but have a small part to play in the whole thing. Once you're done, there comes your exist.
There are many words to describe it - "The Stop Gap", "Temp Solution". But my fav is "The Substitute". This is in no reflection or comment on you, but some of us are better at comforting others, than we are at ourselves.
Knowing that we may not be cut out for it ourselves, but we just might (maybe even a little bit) help someone else get through this.
In time you might realize. To poke a light coparision, we're the less fortunate friend who comes to help out a well of friend (not financially) and then just walk away in - disappear in the mist.
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