A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

Love or something like it

I'll never forget the way he looked at me.

It was prom night, our first and only. I was wearing a beautiful periwinkle dress with roses around the bodice. My dark brown hair was piled half up in wavy curls. My eyeshadow complemented my outfit perfectly, the trademark sparkles around my eyes glinting just so.

I stood at the top of the stairs and stared down at him. Big bright smile. Big brown eyes. Focused solely on me.

I remember how wonderful that look made me feel. I remember being so proud of him, of us. Of just the simple fact of being together.

I had a picture of that look of his. One of my parents snapped it at the exact moment that he saw me appear at the top of the foyer stairs. And as much as any picture could capture an emotion, that one captured it. Anticipation. Joy. Love.

I think he really loved me.

I'm not sure if I still have that photo. I may have thrown it away during one of my concentrated efforts to purge him from my life.

But now I wish I'd kept it, if not just to capture that happy moment one more time. Since that night, I'm not sure that anyone has ever made me feel the way he did with that one simple look six years ago.

I need to be loved. Every fiber of my being is constantly yearning for affection.

I need to be wanted.

I now realize that one of the reasons I may have stayed with CollegeBF for so long was that he wanted me so desperately. The first time we broke up, I remember thinking, "How will I ever find someone who loves me as much as he does?"

I'd already found one guy who loved me almost unconditionally (at least that's how it felt to me). Wouldn't I be crazy to give this one up?

Because no matter how hard of a time we had, I could always find happiness in those simple moments. Moments similar to that prom night so many years before.

Moments where we'd be lying in bed and he'd just stare at my face. When he'd graze my cheek gently with his hand and whisper, "You're so beautiful."

I'd always respond with a sarcastic comment or a little smile, but inside I was singing with happiness.

Just like DishonestBF before him, he validated me. And as much I miss that constant validation, I know I'm better off without it. Because I shouldn't need a man to love me, to look at me, to tell me I'm beautiful.

These things should come from within.

Maybe I'll never find anyone who loves me as much as he did. But I think I at least owed it to myself to find out.

Or maybe...that person should be me.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 1:37 PM