The Loneliest Number
I'm not good at being alone.
In fact, I hate being alone. Anywhere. In my room, in the car, in an empty office.
I think I've forgotton how to enjoy my own company.
I need human touch. I need to feel the warmth of another person next to me. I need to be hugged.
I need conversation. I need someone to talk with, someone to argue with. I need the presence of another human being.
The smell of his skin.
The familiar tone of my sister's laugh.
The way my mom smacks her gum while watching TV.
I need it all.
Without it, I am alone. My mind takes me to far away places. Sometimes they're silly. Sometimes they're places I don't want to go.
I need friends. I don't need television.
I need human companionship. I don't need a boyfriend.
I'm not one of those people who can disappear for hours by herself. I'm not one to venture out into the city all alone for a day. To sit solitary, still and quiet in a movie theater.
I remember how it felt to eat lunch alone sometimes in college. Everyone else buzzed around me as I sat at my empty table. I always brought something to read. I knew I couldn't face it otherwise.
I couldn't sit there and look around at everyone. I couldn't meet their eyes. Because I was alone. And in my head that made them better than me.
I'm not sure why I hate being alone so much. Because I know that we're all alone at some point in our lives. We're born alone, solitary beings. And eventually we find a special person, have a family of our own. Yet in old age, so many of us find ourselves alone once more.
Somehow, we all make it work. Why can't I?
When did I become so afraid of myself? When did my mind take this hold on me?
I think learning to be with yourself--and only yourself--is a vital part of growing up. Learning to be completely independent, soul, mind and body, is very special.
And maybe it takes a lifetime for some people.
Maybe it took my grandmother most of her life to learn to live alone. Or maybe she knew how all along.
Maybe she's perfectly happy with her little dog, her nice community, her Mah Jong games. Or maybe she's not.
Either way, I know she still misses my grandfather. I know she'll never stop yearning for that essential part of her life. I know she'll always long for that human touch.
I've never spoken to her about any of this, but I think I know how she feels.
I realize that I need to learn to be alone. I realize that I need to accomplish that before I can settle down with someone, before I can move away from my family.
But I also realize that companionship is a fundamental need. It's crucial to my happiness, crucial to who I am at my very core.
In 10 years, I could be the strongest, most independent woman in the world, but that won't change this one fact:
My name is Lauren, and I need people.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know
'Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two
It's just no good anymore since she went away
Now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday
~ Three Dog Night
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 1:13 PM
5 Comments:
Practice deep meditation. It will get you in the proper mindset to enjoy your own company.
Everyone is different in this area. I have always felt comfortable being alone. I once took a six week trip to Mexico alone. I did meet and spend time with some interesting people, I would have been fine spending the whole time alone. i don't know why I'm like that. Maybe there's something wrong with ME. :)
BTW, I always enjoy your posts. They are very thoughtful.
Your posts are excellent.
When I was younger, I always felt like I had to be doing something, going out on weekends. That if I sat at home, I was missing out.
Lately, I've been craving more time alone. And sometimes when I do go out, it's almost because I feel like I have to.
But I've never been able to eat alone in a restaurant. Never been to a movie alone, either. Although I think I should try it.
Anon: I've heard very positive things about meditation. Good advice.
Gary: I cannot imagine taking a week alone for a trip, let alone SIX weeks! That is very admirable and I guess it's something I just need to work up to. And thank you for the compliment.
Bone: I think I should try going to a movie alone as well. Just to prove to myself that I can do it. I'll have to put that down on my list of important things to do (ohhh, now there's an idea for a blog post). Abd thank you as well for the compliment on my posts.
i hope you guys are still discussing loneliness vs enjoying your own company (being alone). I have always felt lonely, particularly because i always somehow end up alone and I never enjoy being alone ...may be that is because i'm ALWAYS alone? too much? no one can possibly prefer eating alone, as opposed to have someone caring sit with them. I know i should never rely so much on others to be happY (they have continuosly done a good job disappointing me).. but i really dont know how else to keep myself happy.. how can i enjoy eating alone, sleeping alone, spending the day alone.. mind you i got married precisely to kill my loneliness.. ended up with a husband who travels for work .. or is constantly at his office... still alone... please help.
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