A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

The Struggle

My entire life has been a struggle. Not a struggle in the conventional sense. Not in the sense that I had a bad childhood or grew up poor or came from a broken home. Not a struggle against society, and not against my parents.

This struggle has been against myself.

Because I, dear friends, am quite possibly one of the laziest people ever to be lazy. I've been waging a fight against my overwhelming lack of motivation for as long as I can remember.

And not only am I lazy, but I have a tendency to be very pessimistic. This pessimism coupled with laziness makes for a very lethal combination. So lethal, in fact, that I've spent many weekends lying frowny-faced and sad in my bed for hours doing absolutely nothing at all.

Take yesterday, for example. I woke up with high hopes, ready to throw on my bathing suit and wash my car. But as soon as I realized it was too cold outside to do what I wanted, I sunk into an irritated and listless state. I threw myself face down on my bed, and I just laid there.

I thought about how I needed to clean my room, how the weather was perfect for rollerblading, how I wanted to go shopping...and then I thought about how all of that seemed like too much. How I didn't have the energy. How I had nothing to look forward to, no one to talk to, and no one to see.

How suddenly a simple weekend day had turned into a gargantuan reason to sit in my dark room and be sad and lonely.

The tears started to come as I laid there in silence and stillness. I tried to blink them away, feeling the familiar lump in my throat. Wishing that there was an "easy" button for my moods so that I could be happy again.

And then, after about 30 minutes of monotony, I made a decision. I had to get up to maintain my sanity.

I know it sounds like a simple thing, but jerking myself out of one of those moods will always be one of my most difficult struggles. I am one stubborn girl, so you can imagine how hard it is for me to talk myself out of or into feeling a certain way.

I finally told myself: This is unhealthy behavior. Why would you want to keep doing something that makes you feel so horrible? Of course, that worked (those therpaists really do know what they're talking about sometimes).

And I stood up. Breathed in the now-slightly-less-depressing air, and started my day. I cleaned my room first, then the bird cage, then my room again, then the bathroom. Then, I moved on to myself: painted my nails, showered, did my hair, put on makeup. And out the door I went to go shopping, singing happily while blasting my old Ace of Base CD.

Later that night, I was taken aback when a strange feeling came over me. What was this feeling that brought a (gasp) smile to my face? Oh yeah, satisfaction.

It was a good day, I thought to myself. And I made it that way!

It may not seem like an accomplishment to most people, but yesterday was a personal triumph for me. I know I'm constantly rambling on and on in this blog about my emotional issues, and I may be sounding pretty crazy right about now. But crazy makes me who I am.

And whether or not you struggle to overcome laziness or anything else, know this: There's no better satisfaction than being in control of your own life.

And yeah, I'n one of those people who has to work pretty hard for that. I have to constantly wrest my life away from my irrational emotions and bring it back to reality.

But the struggle makes success that much sweeter.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 12:01 PM