Rainy Days
They always get me down. When I wake up to a dark, overcast sky, life just gets a little more intolerable.My commute to work was shorter than usual, but that didn't cheer me up. It's Friday, but that doesn't really matter to me either. The scale registered even lower this morning, but I just don't even care right now.
I wasn't thinking about any of those things while driving in this morning. Nope, I was thinking about how strange it is to lose people. Typical me, thinking about the big depressing picture.
Why can't I just be content with feeling happy? Taking satisfaction in the little things?
Because...I think I like being sad. Seriously. I think it's the way I feel most comfortable. It's just...me.
I torture myself by listening to music that I know can bring tears to my eyes. Even at this very moment, as I sit at work, I'm playing perhaps the saddest song I've ever heard on repeat.
I listen, and I think...how weird is it that he's no longer in my life? It's such an odd sensation when I suddenly realize that I haven't talked to him on a phone in weeks. That we haven't spoken on IM since the day he ousted me. That all he is now is just a screen name on my IM buddy list.
I know I should take him off my list. I know it. But I can't. I just can't let go yet. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for writing another damn post about him.
But how can I help it? I'm human. I'm sensitive.
But is he? Does he even care? Does he think about me?
I know this won't make sense, but I think what scares me most about all of this is how well I've been doing without him. Honestly, I don't think of him very often. That's why it took me by surprise this morning when he popped into my head.
I'm fine when I don't think about him. It's when I remember that the trouble comes. It's when I realize that I'm moving on. It's when I feel that void get a little smaller, a little shallower. It's when other people in my life start to fill it.
Isn't it funny how we always find people to almost "replace" others? When DishonestBF and I had our falling out, he was there to dry my tears. He was the one who came into my life like a freakin' hurricane and changed my world.
And five years later, I know that will happen again now that he's gone. Someone else will come along. But this time, I'm not going to make the same mistakes. I'm not going to attach myself to someone just to heal myself. I'm going to be strong.
I don't wanna miss him. It hurts to miss him. And it hurts more to think that he probably doesn't even miss me at all.
What were we doing all those years? What were we doing if all that we're left with is this...nothingness?
And WHY DO I CONTINUE TO CARE?
I sincerely hope that he's stopped reading this blog. Because I don't want him to think this rambling post means anything. It's the same one I've written in different words many times over.
It doesn't mean I want him back, even as a friend. It doesn't mean I'm not moving on. And it doesn't mean I'm not happy without him.
All it means is that I'm thinking, feeling a little melancholy on a rainy day.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 10:07 AM
3 Comments:
Love this post. Very human.
I think the first step to getting over someone is wanting to get over them. Sounds simple. But a lot of times I've found myself saying I wanted to get over someone. But deep down, I really didn't. I wanted to cling to the memories and the hurt, because that was all I had left of her. And once that was gone, it was like she was out of my life completely. And I didn't want that.
I feel the same feelings as you now. You're human, don't feel bad about yourself because you think you're weak. I don't really know what to say but take care.
Akane, Paris, France.
Bone, I completely hear ya. It's very difficult to truly let go, isn't it?
And anon, thanks for the support.
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