Hole
I'm so sick of myself and my crazy mood swings.If I'm not surrounded by people for even a couple of hours, I fall right back down this hole. I know it so well now. I've been there many times before.
It's a hole of sadness. Melancholy. Isolation.
Stress. Pain. Guilt.
Everything bad that I could possibly feel is down here with me.
In this goddamn hole.
I hate it here, but I'm stuck. I'm stuck because I don't know the way out. I never have and I probably never will. Because instead of dealing with the situation rationally, I go all emotional batshit on it.
I think about how sad I am, how horrible my life is, how I'll never ever just be a happy, normal person. This is bad thinking. This is the thinking that gets me into holes.
I realize this, but I continue to think this way. It's who I am. A feeling-sorry-for-myself little weakling. A sad little pessimist.
It would be nice to have someone to hold me during these times. To have someone to just listen. To tell me it's okay to cry.
But I've got no one. I keep saying I'm okay with no one. But, really, I need someone. I need people. I keep trying to fool myself, but my emotions know better.
And the worst part is, who wants THIS? No one wants to deal with me and my emotional theatrics. Even worse, I already found someone who could deal with it, who could deal with it well, in fact.
And now he's gone, too.
I'm so frustrated.
I'm frustrated because I'm stressed out right now and I'm avoiding my work like the plague.
Because I'm lonely right now and I'm still not calling anyone, or telling anyone besides this stupid blog.
Because I'm trying to be independent and I'm failing miserably at it.
Because I need to take a shower but I'm too lazy and depressed to care.
Because I just curled up and slept for the past four hours just to avoid feeling like this.
Because I don't want to be this way.
Because I was getting help for this but I thought I didn't need it anymore.
I think maybe I do need help. But I'm too damn afraid and stubborn to ask for it.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 5:37 PM
3 Comments:
I'm so sorry you had such a shitty Saturday night. Thinking about you and sending you strong, affectionate, caring energy.
Lauren, these are not emotional theatrics you've having. If you're feeling them, they're very real. Perhaps you do need to consider seeking help again. But that's your decision alone. Only you know what's best for you.
Just know that we, your blogging friends, are there for you to provide an understanding, caring ear. I'd also like to say that if you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me at bellydancerwannabe@yahoo.com.
Believe me, I know what you're going through because I feel like this everyday. I am empty and I have no idea why. I have a boyfriend, I have a job, I'm on the 'happy pill,' things are better for me, and yet I feel empty and sad at random times. It's so frustrating I sometimes just want to sleep for the rest of my sorry life and not have to deal with all this.
These things are not easy to talk about, I agree, but know that you're not alone and that there are people out there who care, whether it be in your family, among your friends, or here in the blogging world.
Warm hugs,
Cinthia
Awwww, thanks guys. I'm back to my normal self today, of course. Thanks for your caring words. I know they'll be a comfort to me the next time I may need them (which is hopefully never, but you know how it is).
Post a Comment
<< Home