A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

A Weighty Problem

Weighing myself.

Ever since my dad brought the shiny new Weight Watchers scale home from Costco, I'd been waiting. Thinking about it as it sat in the darkness of the hall linen closet.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I built up the courage. I slid it carefully out from under the towels and pressed the SET button. With a deep breath, I gingerly stepped on to the cold surface.

I looked down at the flashing dot on the screen. No reading yet.

Closed my eyes as I waited in suspense. Then cracked them for a minute. Still nothing.

And then it appeared: 128.7.

My heart lurched. While it was't as high as it could've been, it certainly wasn't as low as I wanted either.

Growing up, I never thought I'd be standing on a scale registering a number of that magnitude.

When I rowed crew in high school, I weighed a petite 107. This earned me a spot in the lightweight boat. "Don't feed the lightweights," we used to joke. But I ate everything I wanted and more, never gaining a pound.

Slowly, that 107 became 117, which in turn became 125, and now has almost reached 130.

I'd give anything to go back to 117.

And yet, I'v proven to myself time and time again that statement is a lie. I'm not willing to give anything. I can't even get myself to exercise on a semi-regular basis.

I'm pretty good with controlling what I eat. And I've definitely decreased my portions. But if I don't do something else soon, I'm afraid that number will just keep climbing.

Don't misunderstand me, it's not the number I'm most worried about. It's the way I look. The way I see my body.

And I know a decrease in my weight means something about my body must be getting better. It means maybe I'm losing some of that extra fat that has so lovingly attached itself to my hips and thighs.

So, I've fallen into a habit of weighing myself every morning and some nights. I don't know why I do this, because I'm not exercising, so it's basically just a crap shoot if my weight has changed.

This morning, I weighed in at 126.5. The lowest yet.

How'd that happen? Was it because I skipped dinner the other night? Because I actually exercised last weekend? Who knows.

All I know is that I'm sitting here stuffing my face full of Swedish Fish candies. I ate a chocolate bar last night, and I'm going out to lunch today.

I'm thinking maybe the scale will register a bit higher tomorrow morning.

I think, if I could just lose 10 pounds, maybe I'd be happy. But the truth is, it's not the number on the scale that will make the difference.

I won't be happy until I can look in the mirror and like what I see. Until I can look inside myself and like what I see.

And until then, I'm afraid for anyone else to see me. Inside or out.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 10:20 AM