A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

Phased

Last night as I wallowed in yet another overwhelming rush of self-pity, I realized something: My moods come in phases.

Every week or two (but usually once a week), I become this depressed shell of a person. I let every anxiety, every bad experience, and every insecurity have its way with me. Sometimes, I cry in loud sobs without restraint. Other times, I resist the tears, feeling that familiar lump in my throat and torturing myself by not allowing the emotion out.

I sit on my bed with my head leaning against the wall and my laptop in front of me. I put up a sad-sounding away message on IM, then think better of it and up an obscure song lyric, then change it again and put up an angry message. Yesterday I started with "incomplete," then went with a lyric to Everclear's "Overwhelming," and finally ended with "I like to throw things."

Not surprisingly, these three away messages--all put up within the span of 30 minutes or so--truly reflect my typical state of mind on one of these downer nights.

Usually I'm lonely, and that's what sparks the negative feelings. Then I think about everything that's worrying me (school, work, my dad, my weight, decisions, etc.), and I begin to feel overwhelmed and powerless. Only then do I move into the third phase: Anger. Anger that I allow myself to sink into sadness. Anger that I want to be happy and I can't. Anger that nobody knows what I'm going through. Anger at myself for being...myself.

It's a tough thing to realize, but almost all of these "depressed" situations result from the way I perceive myself to be. That is, I tend to perceive myself negatively.

I hold myself to an impossibly high standard as far as physical appearances go, and I'm simply never truly happy with the way I look. Yes, I have plenty of days where I look in the mirror and like what I see. But I also have plenty of nights where I catch my reflection while stepping into the shower and recoil in disgust. Sometimes, seeing my body brings about such a strongly negative reaction that is surprises even me.

But it's not just my looks that are a problem. There are other things that I wish I could change about myself, too. My social anxiety, for example. It's gotton a lot better in recent years, but I still immediately want to run and hide when I am forced--or asked--to engage in a social group setting.

The types of situations where I am in big groups and I don't know many people--or anyone--bring out my worst qualities. They bring out feelings of inadequacy, fear, self-defeat. I feel awkward and incredibly insecure. I feel like less of a person. I feel like a failure.

Acknowledging those feelings right now makes me want to scream. My heart is beating faster as I write this. Because it is the most frustrating thing in the universe to have to conquer this fear all the time. I'm always so jealous of people who have no problem with this. My mom, for instance, can walk into any group setting and fit right in. She's always the life of the party.

Me? I'm nothing.

Ah, see? See that there? I just called myself nothing. What a horrible insult. Sometimes I can't even believe these things come out of me. How can I be so self-depracating?

And here is where the cycle continues. When I get to the point, this point right here, where I can calmly analyze why I'm feeling down, it all turns around. I start arguing with myself about my negative feelings. I think, I'm NOT nothing! I'm something! I'm proud of myself! I've done a lot of great things in my life. I'm conquering my fears.

And the good starts to creep back in to my mind. Like, the other day, I was so worried about giving my film pitch in front of the class. I was so anxious that I worried about it for the entire weekend, building it up in my head until I became sick to my stomach.

But guess what? I prepared, and I KICKED ASS. I volunteered to go first, marched confidently to the front of the room, spoke in a loud, firm voice, and made eye contact almost the whole time. I said everything I wanted to say, in the way I wanted to say it, and I truly conveyed my passion for the topic.

The way I felt after that presentation is the way I feel on one of my great days. Yes, I have good days, and I definitely have bad/sad/depressed days, but sometimes I have great ones. Days where nothing can get me down. When the sun feels like its shining even if it's overcast and rainy. When I can sit alone in my room and just be content to be. When I can post an away message about how much I love life (something I actually did last weekend), and leave it up there for more than a half hour.

When I can just be me, content with who I am, without the possibility of being phased.

That's the phase I want to be in all the time. The joyful, go-lucky, ambitious, fucking awesome phase.

But do I need a happy pill to get there?

Or do I really have the strength within me to do it on my own?

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 12:46 PM