Thanatophobia
Sometimes I worry that I'm dying.I know, the magnitude of that statement is, well...scary, to put it mildly. Insane, to put it bluntly.
But I've always had this intense fear of my own death. I've always felt like it would take me by surprise. That I would die young without warning.
Maybe in a car accident. Maybe in an even more violent, non-accidental way that I don't even want to think about but that I DO think about every time I walk alone at night.
Or maybe, as I've recently become compulsively obsessed about, I'll die of some fatal illness. I suppose it was my dad's sickness that really got me started on this. We never knew the tumor was there, despite the fact that it had been growing for at least a year. I look back at pictures of him from that time and I think, "How did we not know he was sick?"
We didn't know because we couldn't tell. Or we didn't pay enough attention to the subtle symptoms. We didn't take them seriously because it's just not normal to think about death all the time, or at all, really.
But now I think about it even more than I used to. I think about it when I feel strange pains in my body. When those shooting pains go up my leg, or when my lower back aches day after day. When I experience that occassional shortness of breath and my heart seems to skip a beat. When my leg tenses up and I carry around that dull ache.
I think that maybe all of this could mean something. And I won't know anything about it until it's too late.
I fear my death so intensely. And yet, I'm not really sure why.
Maybe it's because I fear the unknown. Because I don't really know if I believe in Heaven. Because I don't want to end up just a pile of bones in the dirt.
This feeling came over me as I was driving in to work the other day. There was a big truck behind me in traffic, and I thought about how easily it could plow right into me if the line of cars stopped suddenly. That's how a girl from my college died. How easily her life ended in an instant. How easily that same thing could happen to me.
But as I thought about it, my eyes intently watching that truck in the rear view mirror, I realized that maybe death would be a release. A long, sweet rest from the stress and turbulence of life. No worries, no pain, just nothingness suspended forever.
My sudden complacence with the situation scared me. Was I okay with dying? Even worse, did I want to die?
I'd spent so long being afraid. Was it normal to feel serene about my eventual demise? Even if it came all of a sudden? Even if I was so young?
I don't know why I think about these things. But death consumes me.
Every time I get in my car and fasten my seatbelt, I think about it. 42,000 fatalities a year on our nation's highways.
Every time I feel a strange pain, I think about it. It only takes one sunburn to develop skin cancer.
And every time I hear about someone dying young, I think about it. Alcohol poisoning. Car accident. Sickness. Murder. Drowning. Fire.
There are so many ways to die. People die every day, young or old.
So I suppose that all of this is kind of silly, because we're all going to die eventually. We're all on that path. What does it matter when or how it happens?
What does it matter as long as I make my life worthwhile?
I'm really not sure what or if it matters. I'm just sure that if I keep thinking about it, I may ruin however much time I have left.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 10:11 AM
17 Comments:
I like how you end your posts with hopeful statements like that! It's so inspiring.
It's true when they say to enjoy every moment as if it were your last because you never know when it'll be your turn to go! There are so many wonderful, beautiful things to be enjoyed in this life. Worrying about death can only come in the way of our happiness while we are still here on this earth.
Hey Lauren,
I know how you feel, I've always had a vague idea I will die young. Don't know how or why I get that idea, but it's just always been with me, from as soon as I understood the difference between life and death. I'm not scared of dying (maybe a little about the manner in which I will blow my last breathe), because I consider it a natural thing to happen, but I understand how scary the idea of dying can be.
See, you're right: There are so many ways we can die, it could happen anytime, anywhere. I think the trick is not to be intimidaded by the idea, but to embrace it. Yeah, I can die right now. So the fuck what? It's a cliché, but hell: it's just another motivation to live your life to the fullest.
And of course, it could never hurt to ask your doc about those complaints you've been having, next time you see him. ;)
To quote our dear friend Mel Gibson in Braveheart:
"Every man(/woman) dies. Not every man(/woman) truly lives."
Cinthia: You are absolutely right! Worrying about this so much really is unhealthy.
Mathieu: Thanks for that great quote. It's inspiring.
I supposed I'd better start concentrating on LIVING.
One thing I will never have to worry about is dying young. I'm too old for that. When I was your age I never thought about death. I still don't. I have a plaque on my wall that says "Seize the Day". That's my philosophy. If I have only one day left, I want to make it a good one.
I always thought I'd die young, too. I'm really pushing it now, though :)
I think your last line summed it up well.
Well, it's nice to know that I'm not the only thanatophobia sufferer. The downside is of course that it's not a very nice thing to suffer from and I'd not wish it on anyone....
This fear is consuming my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't see a doctor for every little pain because I will never be taken seriously by a doctor if they know about my fears. On the other hand, one little pain is all it might take...It's a cycle I don't know how to break. If anyone has tips, or comfort, anything please let me know
I feel scared of death because I was brought up to think there was a Heaven and everything, but after studying religious history and writings I feel it's likely it's all just wishful thinking. There's no proof of an afterlife from any religion I know of, and even the Spiritualist movement, for example, has existed 150 years or so - and it's whole point is about communicating with the dead and proving life after death - and has come up with no hard and fast proof of any kind. I feel sad I am getting older and my loved ones will die too and none us us might exist any more, and we're perhaps just a blink-and-you've-missed -it moment in an eternity of this universe. And that I'm not really all that satisfied with my life and probably won't get another chance. And that I've tried to be good and spititual but the world has treated me badly in some ways and shows no real evidence of being run by a loving and just god (and the idea of rewards and punishments afterwards is, again, probably just a way we make up for this in our heads). But that's only in my more downbeat moods... there are still things to be enjoyed in life and thankful for, and kind people I love and who care about me, and I guess it's best just to focus on those and not think too much about the past and the future but try to live here and now instead. It's the tragedy of modern humans that we think about everything too much.
Often times I feel that I'm the only one who has this strange fear and obsession with death. Mine didn't start until after the birth of our daughter. I was fine up until then. I guess I always worried that I'm going to die when she's young (she's 8 months old now) because I fear missing out on her life. I fear her never knowing who I am. I also don't worry about the "common" deaths for a 21 year old. I worry about rare, random things like brain anurhysms and things like that. I fear sudden deaths which is strange. Anyways, I just wanted to say that it's nice to know someone knows how I feel.
Dear Lauren,
My name is Heather, and I am 17. I also have Thanataphobia. Now, I've thought about it alot (as is the case with the phobia), and I've come to several conclusions. I don't honestly fear dying. It'll probably be for but one moment. It might be awful, but it probably won't last long. What I'm worried about is being dead. I'm worried I'll lose everything I ever loved, everyone I ever loved. That's why it bothers me. I'm not sure why it keeps haunting you, but the reason that it haunts me is because I start to wonder if I'm going to lose everything anyway, then what is the point of working towards anything? Then, I go right back to the starting point because the whole reason I'm so worried about dying in the first place is because of all that I have and all that I'm working towards. If I lost all that, I wouldn't be me, and I'd be dead in a way, anyway. Well, I'm just sort of rambling because I'm not really sure how to help you because I'm not certain if it's being dead or dying that bothers you. However, I do know of a terrific site that I feel you will probably relate to as well as I did. Google "Pickards" and "Thanatophobia". It's helpful. At the moment, I have not yet found an answer. I desperately hope I do, and if I do, I will be certain to share it with you.
Heather.
Dear Lauren- I believe you are perfectly normal to wonder about death, and afterlife and if there is something really better out there. I believe that GOD himself put this hardwired thought in us so that we would seek him and a life beyond ourselves. This is what faith is...the substance of things "hoped for' and the evidence of things not yet seen. I encourage you to purchase a study Bible and read through it asking God to show you the truth...without any doctrine or theological arm twisiting...just you and God. It is a magnificent book about His Creation, the fall of mankind because of sin, and most fo all his love for us to redeem us and provide a way to be with him eternally in heaven by simply believing that Jesus Christ came to pay the price for your way and my way to heaven. Because God is Sovereign, he will never force you or I to serve him...he wants us to come to that assumption and believe on our own. i would be wary of anyone who ever pressured you into such a belief. Like I said read the good book and see if it answers some of the questions you have. I'll tell you up front that the Bible does not tell us alot about heaven. It tells us that there will be no more pain or suffering. It tells us that the streets will be of pure gold liek glass, that there will be columns to a gate made of a single pearl and that the walls around the city will be made of 12 precious gemstones. All in all, it is a book about peace, love, mercy, forgiveness, faith, hope and so many other beautiful attributes. I figure if it is all a hoax and I lived my life living by these principals...then was life so bad???? But if what the Bible said is true, and we don;t follow it...then what???? "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16 I wish you all the best in this life and the next. That you will find true peace that passes all understanding in the depths of your soul. God Bless!
Good to know that I'm not alone. At the moment I think I would welcome a week long torture and slow death to a quick death because that way I'd get to live a bit longer even though I'd be in pain. It's so bad that I can't donate blood anymore, because I'm scared that I'll have an accident and that I'd die because I won't have enough blood. Or I didn't want to be put to sleep for my wisdom tooth surgery out of fear that I might not wake up. I suffered the pain gladly knowing that I'm there to feel it. I know that I have a big problem, but I can't talk to anyone about it. Maybe one day I'd be able to see someone about it.
wow i feel and understand every ones words i have just read, frantically trying to find a cure to my thinking before my time is here. i had a really bad night last night.Too scared to go to sleep for fear of not waking. Nothing compared to what im expecting in the hours ahead if i survive and dont die first. I fear death - missing out on my childrens lives also the fear of being in a body bag, coffin underground,being cremated any of it. (i cant believe i am writing the words) puts me in a state that is truly unhealthy. I can not overcome the fact that i have no control over it at all and that leaves me in a hopeless situation that i just cannot cope. I am scared that the medication i have been prescribed to help with panic attacks will give be a brain bleed and lead to my death. i am so tired of this way of thinking but cant release myself from the hold.I believe i am an intelligent women although reading back over what i have written would make a person wonder... I cant believe other people suffer just as i do.
hi, i totally understand all that you are saying. can you email me by chance? rachelw410@yahoo.com
I have the same problem but i think mine is so much worse. It controls my whole life! I cant sleep because im scared to die iin my sleep. I cant eat cuz im scared the food is deadly, too high in scholestrol blah blah blah. I cant go out because im sscared to get ran over or whatever. Im only fourteen years old. Its taking over my life. It affects my school because im always super exhausted i forget everything so the next day i hhave no homeowrk. It affects my realtionships with friends and family, becuase i dont talk or laugh or smile or eat anymore and im a big eater. Ive tried everything, ive tried telling myself its all lin my head ive done yoga to try a positive way of life, ive tried running to keep my mind busy. Nothing works. Im in constant fear i have panic attacks everyday. Every little pain is hell, i get a headache and think its a tumor, or i think i might have chaiari again, ive started to egt this numbing feeling all over my body as if i was high, and it scares the daylight out of me. I think it all started the one time i got high and i had a panic attack because i had too much and i thought i eas dying. But I NEED HELP I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO PLEASE!
Hey, um...I've been reading everyone's posts as well as Sleepy girl's... And I'm kinda glad to know I'm not the only one who's been thinking this way, or stuck with this phobia.
Writing usually helps me think a lot, but I usually worry about what others would think of my opinion's on things, I know I'm weird, I think too much, and I know that's why I have this phobia of dying. No, not of dying slowly, painfully, not really of being buried... What I'm worried about is 'nothing'...That's what I'm scared of. I'm scared that I won't know myself anymore, I won't be able to think, won't be able to imagine, won't be able to see anyone, cease to exist. I know believing in a god or religion is the best way to cure this... since it would be logical to think that there IS an afterlife through it all. But this was never proven to me! What if all those people who connect with the dead are all fake?! What if religions were only created to give you false hope on the fact there is no afterlife? What if the bible was written by someone who was scared of death and wanted to give hope.
Those people that died and saw the white light, scientists proved that it was your third eye shutting down 'or what ever it is, but it's something with your mind'. So I'm like: "Thanks...B***" Since that was one of my biggest cheer ups that there is an afterlife, but once again, this was proven wrong. I never saw a ghost, but damn would I ever be happy if I saw one! It meant I wouldn't plunge in eternal darkness and there is a way for me to still wander and live on!
It's driving me insane! I'm trying so hard myself to cure this phobia but it's gotten so horrible! It stopped for a while which was wonderful, but just recently came back and I want it to go away again! I wanna live! And just ignore death but I don't want my life to end, I want to be immortal and live this way forever! Although I know humans wither, grow old and die!
I want a sign, even the smallest sign! Any sign! That there is life after death, that those people that saw ghosts aren't insane, and they really did see signs of the afterlife, that those people with gifts can really contact the dead, and see that they're doing just fine! I want a dead family member to come over and smack me upside the head and tell me the afterlife is great, and that you continue living.
Anything, ANYTHING! Please? I'm just 19... I know this, but I'm probably going to get an anxiety attack as soon as I turn 29 and see 1/4th of my life is already down the drain...And I can't turn back.
I have to see to believe, that's my thing... People telling me they saw ghosts and those ghost stories and stuff...Even if I know them to be honest, I won't believe since I didn't see it myself. I don't believe in the bible because I never saw a sign of god, I don't believe in...Anything, unless I've seen it happen myself. I believed in Chris Angel and then he came out saying all his tricks were fake...I believed in Santa clause and my dad then told me he was fake...Does anyone understand where I come from here?
I don't want to believe in god all my life, and come to death and plunge in never ending darkness without even knowing I'm there because my brain is shut off and leaves no function for me to register that I died...And nothing happened!
Does anyone see just how far my phobia has gone? I think about this every day, I have a girlfriend...So even this whole 'god is great' stuff doesn't work considering I'm a lesbian and the guy wouldn't let me through the gates of heaven anyways... But if god was so great wouldn't he accept all of us the way we are? Mmmm?
I don't even know why I'm posting this up... But hey... Does anyone else think I'm insane?
E-mail:
KaitouX@hotmail.com
The truth here, dont listen to them, theyre idiots, you think of death because your bored, when people get bored, they think of death, sex, drugs, god is great and he will not let anything happen to you, he gave us the gift to choose our own death, or the age you go, play video games, watch movies, music, dont let ur mind wander off, you are perfectly fine, our minds tend to focus death when it aint occupied, have sex live life, nothing gonna happen to you, I had death thoughts when I was 6, thought I wouldnt make it past 12 and im 30, stay healthy, drink plenty of water, youll be fine, it perfectly normal to wonder about unknown, dont let your mind wander, highcapitalinvestments@gmail.com
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