I'm a lot of things...
...sweet, silly, clumsy, kind of an airhead sometimes, smart, shy, sincere, a bit introverted, lazy, pessimistic, clever, fiesty, curious, polite, sort of an exaggerator, loyal, whimpy, girly...Sure, I could go on and on, because of course, I'm a lot of things.
But am I selfish?
This is the question that's been on my mind the past few weeks. It's strange to consider it, because I've always thought of myself as almost too giving.
Anytime someone has needed me, I've tried my very best to be there. I've freely loaned things to family and friends without a second thought. I've done everything possible to give up my time, money, food, et cetera to preserve and grow my relationships with other people.
But suddenly, I find myself feeling differently.
I'm not spending enough time with my parents anymore, despite the fact that I live with them.
I'm not spending nearly enough time with my pet bird, Precious, despite the fact that she's been my loyal little companion for the past 14 years.
And I'm not calling my friends as often as I should, despite the fact that they are some of the most important people in my life.
Basically, I'm doing whatever the hell I want.
I'm starting to think it's a reaction to being single. When I first began dating my ex five or so years ago, I was so naive and open. I gave him everything.
But as the years wore on, I became less and less willing to compromise. By the end, I was so sick of worrying about his feelings, wants and needs that I became completely inflexible.
If he wanted to do something that I didn't want to do, I'd end up crying on my bed (literally having an adult tantrum of sorts) until he did it my way. And if I did have to compromise, I'd never let him hear the end of it. Somehow we ended up fighting against each other on everything from whose car we'd drive to where to go for dinner or what TV show to watch. And those were just the little things.
I went from being an extremely patient person to being a time bomb of emotion that could unleash at any moment.
Thankfully, now that I'm finally alone, I'm so much more serene. And I'm relishing only having to worry about myself.
But am I becoming too set on my own desires?
Is it okay to be that flaky friend who doesn't always call?
Is it okay to interact with my mom only via e-mail because I get home too late and don't see her for a day or two?
Is it okay to let my bird sit in her cage for two days because I'm not there to spend time with her?
If I'm not even willing to make time for my pet and my parents, how would I ever make time for a boyfriend? Or even a husband some day, and children?
I'm so many years away from being ready for those types of commitments. It feels good to realize that.
But I'm still not sure if it's okay to be this way, even if it's just a phase. Even if putting myself first is supposed to be "healthy."
Because I may be a lot of things, but I don't want to list selfish as one of them.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 1:31 PM
3 Comments:
Maybe you're just going through a phase where you'd rather be on your own to figure things out and just relax.
When I was living at home, I used to avoid my parents like the plague. Not because I didn't care about them, but because I felt I needed my indepedence. Since I was living with them, I had to have my 'me' time and have a life of my own.
You'll figure it out eventually. It takes time, but things will work themselves out as you get older and become more comfortable with who you are.
Wow, I relate to a lot of this post, Lauren.
From the silly relationship fights that were thankfully years ago, to not seeing my Dad for so long that when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, it was the first time he'd seen my facial hair, which I'd had for about a month.
I've also been a lot more reclusive lately. I hope it's not selfishness. I think the fact that you're concerned about it says a lot.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody is even close.
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