A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

The Crying Game

I remember a time when nothing could make me crack. When I would sit trembling in frustration or anger, and still not a single tear would fall. When I was so defiant and stubborn that I even had trouble crying at my grandfather's funeral.

I'm not sure what brought about a change, but somewhere along the way, I became a crier. And not just a crier, but a weeper and a sobber, too.

I think it happened
sometime in high school. The pressures of fitting in and looking good were a lot for me to handle, and the tears came so naturally. Night after night, I'd think about how unhappy I was with myself. I'd weep quietly in my bed, writing sad poems in my diary, looking disapprovingly at my own red eyes in the mirror. It became a viscious cycle.

And eventually, it became a way of life. An essential way of coping with anything that even mildly upset me. I've broken down in tears while sitting in traffic just out of sheer frustration. I've burst into salty spasms because I missed my favorite television show. I've cried at home, at work, and in front of many other people.

For the past few years,
I've been crying about nothing at all. Well, it seems like nothing, at least. It's just that I often cannot even pinpoint the stimuli for my breakdowns.

But I do know that one single, negative thought, no matter how fleeting, can be a very powerful mood shifter. My negative thoughts can move mountains. I'm lonely. I'm worthless. I'm sad.

That's all it takes.

Spiraling down from there is a natural, seemingly logical progression. I fear that I may need this progression to survive.

It's rare, but sometimes I don't cry for weeks at a time. And just when I've forgotton what those warm tears on my cheeks feel like, a little buzzer goes off. It comes in the form of the most insignificant thought, but it reminds me to cry.

Last night,
I cried, thus breaking a very long streak of happy, sob-free days and nights. I'm not sure why I cried, but I know I needed it. It only lasted a few minutes.

I thought about being tired. I thought about being alone. I even thought about him. And then I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning feeling fine.

Why do I cry for no obvious reason? Do I chalk it up to being a girl? Does it run in the family? After all, my sister cries at those "Save the Children" commercials.

I know it's natural to cry at the big things--deaths, relationship problems, extreme stress. But is it normal to cry at all the little things? Have I turned into a sobbing brat? Or am I just extremely sensitive?

It feels so repetetive and pointless,
like a game. I go around the board, landing on the same spaces over and over again. I pay my luxury taxes, I pay my rent, sometimes I even win money off Community Chest. But I never get to the end. I don't pass "Go" as often as I should. I just feel defeated all the time.

So when is it my turn to shine? When do I get to beat the Crying Game?

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 11:43 AM