Scared
I noticed the flashing red lights immediately. I thought nothing of it until a moment later as I carefully negotiated my way along the narrow road past the firetruck.And then, as I maneuvered around the shards of broken glass, a horrible feeling hit me.
Could this be my dad? We were so close to home. He'd left right before me. But he knew the road. The ambulances couldn't possibly have gotton here that quickly.
I craned my head, searching for the damaged car. But I couldn't see past the ambulances in the few moments it took me to drive by the scene.
I looked back frantically as I turned at the stoplight just up the road. Still, I could see nothing.
No, that couldn't be my dad. No, I can't think like this. I can't worry all the time that something bad is going to happen. This is not healthy.
Still, I felt uneasy. So I took my cell phone out of my purse and placed it in the cupholder next to me. Waiting. Hoping that it wouldn't ring, but waiting just in case.
I drove along, listening to a Britney Spears song, slowly letting the uneasiness slip away from my thoughts.
Until I heard the all-too-familiar sound of my cell phone. Vibrating in the cupholder.
I picked it up with fear, my heart beginning to pound. I saw the number I didn't want to see. Mom.
"Lauren, dad's been in an accident."
My heart sunk. I immediately started to cry.
I felt fear, yes, but more than that I felt guilt. I had a feeling that it was him. And yet I didn't stop. I didn't bother to turn my car around and go back to look. I thought that would be crazy behavior.
I drove right past as he was being pulled from his horribly wrecked car. I caught a glimpse of the stretcher. How could I not know?
Luckily, I got to the hospital quickly. I saw him. Bleeding, scared, in pain. I cried for him some more.
And miraculously, he is okay. A broken rib, a punctured lung, lots of cuts and scrapes. But he is alive. Lucky. Very, very lucky.
And yet, I can't figure out why this happened. I have a hard time calling a cancer patient who gets into a horrible car accident lucky. He's already weak from chemotherapy, and now he has to heal from this.
How many challenges are going to be thrown his way? He hasn't had an easy life, not in the least. He's worked so hard for everything. He's given so much of himself to his family and everyone he has ever known. He's the type of person I want to be. He's the type of person everyone should aspire to be.
I'm scared. These bad things just keep happening. My world feels so fragile. Vulnerable. What's to stop another horrible thing from taking holding of my family? Why are we even here? What's next?
The world has become a scary place to me.
I'm afraid of dying. And I'm afraid of living. And I'm afraid of losing someone that is such a necessary part of my life. Someone that has made such a positive impact on the world around him.
He doesn't deserve any of this. We don't deserve any of this. But does anyone?
I don't want fear to take hold of me every time I see a car accident on the side of the road. But now, what choice do I have?
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 4:32 PM
4 Comments:
My heart goes out to you. I really do know exactly how you feel. My dad was in a very bad accident two months ago. Passed out at the wheel. His car, a parked car and a pole destroyed. Very lucky though - similar injuries to your dad. I couldn't be with him because I am here and he is in Australia.
It really makes you understand how fleeting life can be. I hope your dad has a speedy recovery and that your family is coping with the shock.
Shit Lauren, this post gave me the creeps.
You know, you can see a sort of miracle in this. Your dad is battling cancer, got in a car crash and is stÃll okay. I mean...talk about fortune in misfortune.
But like you, and e:) above me, I know how it feels all too well. I was in the bath tub, two years ago, when my mum on the other side of the door told me my dad, who's an amateur pilot, crashed in his plane.
He barely had a scratch, while the plane was total loss. Just months later, he was in a friend's plane when they had to make an emergency landing. The engine just stopped just as they were flying over...an airport.
I don't understand why some get lucky and some don't, or why these things happen to some people and not others. I can't figure out how It works, and I know it's a terrible feeling, the "why us?". So maybe we shouldn't break our heads over it. Maybe you and your family should just take care of your (un)fortunate dad the best you can, because maybe that's all you can do.
By the way, sure your dad isn't Superman?
Take good care of him and yourself, I wish your father an overwhelming recovery, and that he may look back on these months many years from now, and smile.
-x-
Wow, I'm so relieved your father got out of this ok. It must have been the scariest thing. When reading your post, my heart jumped out when I found out it was your father out there. I can only imagine how it must have felt for you.
Someone's watching out for your father, it seems. It was obviously not his time to go. All the best to your father, Lauren.
Warm hugs,
Cinthia
Thank you all for your support and positive thoughts. They mean a lot to me!
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