A Letter
Dear Self,I'm writing this to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I was fooled into thinking I loved him. I'm sorry I thought so much of him. And I'm more sorry I thought so little of myself.
I know I deserved better. I know he deserved...different. I know I was miserable for a reason--many reasons, actually. I'm sorry it took me so long to see them.
I'm sorry I spent so much time trying to make it work when I knew it couldn't. I'm sorry I deluded myself into thinking that there was long-term potential when you--my soul--kept screaming out at me that there wasn't. When I envisioned myself leaving him at the altar and tried to imagine how in the world I would get away with that.
I'm sorry I felt so sad that sometimes I couldn't get out of bed--both before and after it ended with him.
I'm sorry that I feel stupid today, the very day I found out he is engaged to someone else.
It's not that I want to be that girl. It's not that I'm not happy for him. It's just the fact that he's moved on so effortlessly, in so little time. It's the fact that this makes the time we spent together seem somehow... much less important...less real.
I feel that I put more effort and more heart into the relationship than he did. I always thought I had the upper hand, the power position, the ability to leave. But I think that it was him all along. And that makes me feel slighted, used, duped.
I'm sorry I feel that way. I'm even sorry I'm writing about this in my blog.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to my parents. I'm sorry I didn't listen to my friends. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, self. I'm sorry I was so afraid of hurting him that I hurt you instead.
I promise to never ignore you like that again. I promise to never put myself second again. And I promise to hold out for the very best.
Because you are a kind soul, and you deserve it.
Love,
Lauren
PS Can you stop being so damn depressive?
PPS I'm sorry I just swore at you...let's add that to the list of things I won't do anymore.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 3:19 PM
4 Comments:
That's an awfully brave post, I'm actually going through something similar. There are differences, she hasn't moved on and it might be a while before she does. But she wasn't my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I'm a silver lining kinda guy, so at least we can learn from our mistakes. Pain teaches, that might not be much of a comfort now, but it can make us smarter next time, hopefully.
Thanks Pete, you make an excellent point. I have learned so much from the entire experience and that is very valuable. I wish you luck with your situation as well. Remember that time heals.
I think it is ok to acknowledge a mistake, but I don't think it is a good idea to dwell on it. That's called living in the past, and I don't believe in living in the past. And can even lead to depression.
hi--am a newcomer to your blog, but i really like it. you're such a good writer. dwelling on things we can't change, changes nothing.
Post a Comment
<< Home