Revelations
It's been 17 days since my last post.
Normally, I'd sit here and apologize to all my readers who have checked my blog in the past two-plus weeks only to find nothing. Over and over again.
I'd apologize if the reason for my absence was laziness. And I'd apologize if the reason was a lack of creativity and ideas. But those, my friends, are not what has ailed me these past weeks.
I've simply been swept away with life.
I've realized that the more I'm in the blogosphere--both writing and lurking--the less I'm in
my life.
Because as cool as this whole blog thing is, let's face it, it's not real life.
When I'm here, I lose myself in something. Something that I immensely enjoy, yes, but also something that's maybe not the best thing for me. I live vicariously through other people's blogs, and that deters me from living on my own.
And I write so much in my own blog about my thoughts, dreams and emotions that they begin to lose all real meaning. I overanalyze them and convince myself of things that don't really make sense, or aren't really "true."
So, I unknowingly gave myself a break the past few weeks. I just let life take over, and I didn't worry about frantically thinking of angsty topics to keep up the momentum on my blog.
I'd much rather be living my life--doing things that keep me busy and give me a sense of accomplishment--than writing in this blog. I love writing, and I love blogging, and I love everyone involved in this great blogging universe, but it's not really worth me
worrying about it, is it?
I shouldn't look at the calendar and freak out because I see that it's a Tuesday and that I wrote my last blog entry on a Tuesday which means it's been at least a week since I wrote something. Blogging shouldn't be a chore. It should just come naturally.
I figure I'll just let it ride from now on. I'll let the words out when they come to me. But I won't under any circumstances force myself to open up a new post only to sit there and stare at the blank screen. If I don't feel like writing, I won't be writing. If I'm too busy with friends or school or any number of other things, I won't be writing.
When I have a moment of clarity to really think, that's when I'll be writing. Not when I'm simply bored, but when I'm inspired.
That inspiration could come every day. Or it could come only every two weeks.
See ya when I see ya. And until then, remember that life does exist outside the comforting confines of the computer screen. Sometimes we all have to step outside our comfort zone to remind ourselves of how capable we really are.
To Sink or Swim
There have only been three guys I could see myself marrying.
Three in 24 years.
I'm not sure if those are good odds or bad. Probably bad, though, considering that I barely knew one of them. I'm not giving any other details away, but the point is...how do I find "the one"?
It occurred to me today that I'll never really know for sure if someone is indeed the one I should marry. All I can know is what I feel. And if I feel perfectly confident, then I know it
might be right. If I feel a little something tugging at my thoughts like a big black rain cloud, then I know it
might be wrong.
I've felt both ways before. I've felt completely in love and confident that nothing in the world could keep me from my destiny--from marrying that man (or boy, as he was back when we were in high school). But of course, those hopes were dashed not even a year after I felt those strong feelings.
And I've felt the opposite of confident. I've deluded myself into thinking that someone was my destiny. But I could never completely ignore that pesky little feeling, the one that told me I would be making the wrong decision.
I don't really know what else to do other than try to be true to my feelings. They are all I have. And for better or for worse, I think they've served me well--when I've actually listened to them.
We all have a lot more truth in us than we think we do. It's abiding by the truth that's the hard part. It's doing what you know is healthy for you--rather than what is comfortable or safe. It's listening to your gut instinct even in the most trying circumstances.
I've learned to respect my gut instinct. And I'm hoping it will serve me well in my next pursuit. Online dating.
I'm just trying it out. I'm not going to get hopes up that it will actually accomplish anything. But I do at least hope to get some valuable learning experience out of it--whether it's good or bad.
And yet, I must admit that I still hold out that little glimmer of hope, that feeling that maybe this new avenue--though somewhat scary and completely unfamiliar--will help me find the fourth guy I can see myself marrying.
Even if I find him, and even if I don't end up marrying him, at least I will have loved again. Lived again.
Until then, the lonliness will continue to consume me. Hopefully I'll keep my head above water, gasping for air and fighting with all my slight might. I don't know how I'll survive without being able to float. I always sink right down because I'm afraid to get my ears wet.
Here's to the next six months of online dating. I'll be here, just treading water in a big sea of uncertain possibilities.
