A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

Snow and sad songs

Last night, feelings about the big break-up hit me like a ton of bricks. It was different this time, though...worse that usual. The feelings were more real. It was like I finally really realized what was going on. I guess I'd just been trying not to think about it so much that I didn't allow myself to really feel it. Well, last night, I felt it with an overwhelming sense of lonliness and loss, and pain--physical pain that I could actually feel in my bones.

So, I did what I shouldn't have done. I IM'd K. I was weak, and I knew it wouldn't help the situation, but I wanted to share it with someone. And who better to share it with than the one person going through the exact same thing as me? We talked for a little bit, not for too long, and it helped a little. But really it just made me cry harder. We just got each other more down with our sad talk. It got to the point where I had to take deep breaths so I wouldn't have a completely hysterical crying fit.

But one thing he said caught me. He said he kept listening to sad songs. I said he shouldn't do that because they only make things worse. But really, I do the same thing. Why is it that when we're depressed we want to wallow in it by playing sad music? And more importantly, why is it that when I'm down, every single song seems to speak to me? I am beginning to feel like I'm in a movie with my very own backing track.

Driving in this morning, I marveled at the beauty of the snow glistening on the trees and grass. I was listening to my newly acquired Oasis CD, and a song I've never heard came on, but before I knew it, the lyrics were speaking to me.

But I hope you know
That it won't let go
It sticks around with you until the day you die
And I hope you know that it's touch and go
I hope the tears don't stain the world that waits outside
Where did it all go wrong?

And I got all sad, whizzing through a snow-blanketed world, and I felt like I'd be lonely for the rest of my life. But strangely...it felt kind of good. It felt good to let myself feel. And it's okay to listen to the sad music, because it can help our emotions come out, which is all part of the grieving process.

It's okay as long as we don't let irrational thoughts take over. Rationally, I know I won't be lonely forever. Eventually, at some point, I will date again and I will find someone who is right for me. So will K. But what last night really made me realize is I don't need to push myself into anything. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still raw. And that's okay, too.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 10:22 AM