Thursday Thoughts
I've got no overarching theme to write about today, so here's what's on my mind in no particular order:
I'm lonely.
Is the lonliness ever going to go away? And, am I ever going to have another relationship? Because sometimes I feel like that will never happen. It's just such a daunting thing to imagine.
I don't know how I'll ever get to know someone as well as I knew K. Or how I'll ever feel as comfortable around someone. Or how I'll break into their world--their friends, their family, everything. I'm scared. And yet at the same time, I'm excited.
I'm hopeless.
Hopelessness is one of the worst possible feelings. And it's not even a real feeling. It's irrational. It doesn't make sense. There's always hope, no matter what. But despite the fact that I realize that, I still feel hopeless.
I'm never getting married.
Isn't it funny that when I had a serious boyfriend, I was afraid of marriage, and now that I am single, I am sort of obsessed with marriage? Before I had a comfort zone knowing that I had someone to marry when I was ready.
But now...now I've got no one. And if I don't meet someone soon, who knows when I'll get married. I could be past 30 and still waiting, which is scary because (a) I can't imagine being alone for that long and (b) I won't be able to have kids until I'm older, which messes up my life schedule.
It all just seems so far off now. Before, when it was right there staring me in the face, I wanted to run and hide. Now I feel like I should be running toward it.
I'm afraid.
I think much of the uneasiness in my life comes from unknowns. I like knowing what's going to happen. I like coming to work with an idea of what my day will entail. Unknowns scare me. Because when I don't know what's going to happen, I always jump to the worst possible scenario.
If I'm going on a business trip, I worry that I'll miss my plane. And if I'm a single girl, I worry that I'll be single forever, that I'll never meet the right one, that I'll get my heart broken.
I am a product of my own emotions.
Sometimes life is all about introspection. Some rare days, like today, I can see my feelings clearly and understand why I am this way.
The other days, it's all just a mess of tears and muddled negative thoughts with no way out.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 2:02 PM
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