A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

Looking forward, looking back

It's the little things that remind me of him.

A U2 song on the radio.
A package of Jambalaya instant rice in the pantry.
A red Saab zipping by.
A picture.
A word.
A thought.

On days like today, it's everything, really.

I miss him most when I'm sitting at home being lazy. We used to be lazy together. We would curl up on the couch and watch Lifetime all day. Or we'd make a leisurely Blockbuster run and come back with six pre-viewed movies to watch together.

We loved buying movies. We loved walking around Target for two hours and looking at every single thing...the toy cars, the electronics, the furniture. We'd deliberate over everything from vacuum cleaners to plasma TVs, but in the end we'd just come back with some DVDs and a peppermint patty or two.

We enjoyed being together. Sometimes I forget how much we enjoyed each other. But some little thing always jumps out and reminds me what I'm missing. Today, for instance, I finally unpacked my digital camera, and there he was. There were a bunch of pictures on it that I'd forgotton about...pictures from when we were still together.

There we were in Canada.
K and his dad lounging in the water.
His parents at their cottage.
And then we were back on his boat in DC.
K posing proudly at the dock.
Me in a candid on one of our "nature walks."

It was strange to look at those photos--ones I hadn't seen since the break-up occurred. It was a glimpse of us at another time. And that glimpse helped me fully realize that so much is behind us now. We can look back on everything and feel sad (that's only natural), but we can't ever look back with regret, and most importantly, we can't ever go back.

The future is ahead. Sure, I can miss him all I want, but that won't change anything. And now I know that it shouldn't change anything. My life changed when he came into it, and it's changed just as profoundly now that he's gone.

And both times, those were changes for the better.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 5:21 PM