A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

Love & Loss: The Big Post

I have a hard time getting over things. Whether it's sadness, bitterness, or just plain old rage, I've never been adept at just letting anything go.

Betrayal
It took me YEARS to truly get over what my high school boyfriend did to me. After we broke up, he betrayed me in the worst possible way--by going behind my back and hooking up with my best friend, of course. And they both lied to my face about it. I was not prepared for such a breach of trust, especially since it was coming from the two people I trusted most.

I lashed out at both of them, and anger became a fixture in my life. I had wild fantasies in which I plotted the ways I would get back at them. I wanted them to feel my pain. This incident occurred in the very beginning of 2001, and now, five years later, I can finally say that I am officially over it. Former best friend and I have reconciled. We even hang out once in a while.

As for dishonestBF, well...we're on good terms too, but we're not "friends," not even acquaintances. The last contact we had was a random facebook message from him in which he told me his dad had just had a heart attack. I suppose he wanted some support from somebody, though I'm not sure why he came to me.

And after hating his guts for all those years, I told him how sorry I was about his dad. I comforted him as I would with any friend. That's how I knew I had finally left the past behind. I'd let it go.

And as horrible as this entire double betrayal was, I know that it helped me to grow. It taught me to tread lightly and not to trust so freely. It taught me not to give so much of myself. It taught me to forgive.

I know that I'll never again harbor such bitterness inside me. That feeling tore at me for so long. It didn't hurt them at all, it hurt me. And I refuse to ever hurt myself that way in my lifetime.

Puppy Love
Just as I couldn't let my anger go, I have had difficulty letting love go. Even after dishonestBF brought out a side of me I never knew existed, I still missed him. The fact that I still had feelings for him made everything so much harder.

I always thought we would get married, even after we broke up. Sure, it was high school puppy love, but to me, it was real. I truly thought we would be together forever. Looking back, this was such a silly thought, since we had barely experienced life for ourselves, let alone together. We hadn't lived together, hadn't taken a trip together, hadn't had sex, hadn't even slept in the same bed for a night. All we did was hang out in his basement and park next to each other at school.

And yet, I loved him. I loved him for being kind, for the way he treated me, for his big brown puppy dog eyes. I didn't see any of the bad, though it was all there--the random lies he told, his inescurities, the fact that he didn't brush his teeth as often as he should.

Maybe that's what love is. Maybe it means you only see the good. Maybe it means you have such faith in someone else, and in your relationship, that you can't imagine ever not ending up together.

If he hadn't broken my trust in such a pivotal way, who knows what might have happened. We could still be together. But that's the thing about love. Even when it seems like forever, you're always one lie, one fight, one anything away from losing it.

He was my first love, and we were all wrong for eachother. I know that now, and I am so glad that we didn't work out. But, still...nothing since has ever felt so right.

I hope one day I'll find that puppy love again, that feeling of forever togetherness, that confidence in another person. It may open me up for betrayal, but in the end...it's all worth it.

Grown-up Love
As soon as DishonestBF was booted out the revolving door, in walked CollegeBF. He says it was love at first sight. It wasn't quite the same for me. In actuality, I wasn't over DishonestBF, not in the least. But I needed to move on, and that's what I did.

We really enjoyed being with each other. He made me laugh. He listened to me. He gave me advice. He taught me how to be more independent. He helped me to be more outgoing. Oh, and he brushed his teeth every single day.

We spent every day together and yet never got sick of each other. We had so many lazy days full of movies, television shows, and late nights. During my sophomore year of college, I spent more time in his room than mine, more nights in his bed than mine. And then, it happened... we did get sick of each other. He taught me how to fight, to resent, to yell. I didn't ever have the feeling that we'd be together forever. And it ended.

Yet nine months later, it started up again. We were just so comfortable together. When I was with him, it felt like going home. Safe. Warm. Snuggly. We had such a strong bond, such a strong sense of trust. After DishonestBF, he was the first guy I had really opened up to. I felt like I'd done the inevitable--I'd found someone I could trust again.

In the end though, the trust wasn't enough. Our relationship outlasted our respect for one another. My inability to just "let things go" translated into an inability to compromise. And despite being together for so many years, I never felt completely sure that he was the one. I knew this because of my experience with DishonestBF...I knew what that fuzziness should feel like, and it wasn't happening for me.

I couldn't overlook the problems we had. If anything, they intensified. Yes, I loved him, but at some point I must have stopped loving him in that way--the unconditional way. I knew I couldn't marry him, and I knew I had to finally make a decision without worrying about its impact on him.

We were on the path to marriage, and though continuing down that path would have been much easier for me, I chose to hop off. I left all that I knew and all that made me feel safe, and I finally did something for myself. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done.

CollegeBF taught me to be true to myself. He taught me about grown-up love--living together, buying groceries together, really compromising--and I am eternally grateful. Yes, I still miss him. But I take solace in knowing that I made the right decision. In knowing that I wouldn't take one bit of our relationship back. It shaped me, and I like who I've become.

Future Loves?
Through each of these experiences, I have become wise. I know what I want in a mate. I know what a healthy relationship should be. And most importantly, I know a little better what love means. It means compromise, forgiveness, mutual respect. It means you can have all of this and still be happy. It means you can be the angriest you've ever been and just let it all go with a simple "I'm sorry."

It means you know you want to be with someone for the rest of your life without having a single seed of doubt.

I may only be 23, but I'm ready for that feeling. And when it hits me, I'll know.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 2:23 PM