A Sleepy Girl's Thoughts on Life

The Smackdown

I really wish I had the fortitude to lay the smackdown on someone. You know what I'm talking about--the rare occurrence when someone is so asinine and so very deserving that you just go off on them in an explosion of verbal bitchery.

I don't believe I've ever had the privilege of said smackdown. I'm just not cut out for it. I go over these tirades again and again in my head, plotting exactly what I'll say in my moment of sweet redemption, but when it comes down to it, I'm a total pushover.

Today I had one of these moments. My favorite office annoyance, UW (who else?) came by again to "say hi." But he didn't so much say hi as annoy the total crap out of me:

Me: How was your weekend?

UW: Not so good.

Me: Oh, that's too bad.

UW: How was yours?

Me: Pretty good, actually.

UW: What did you do?

Me: I rented a bunch of movies.

[Discussion of movies, including my opinions on all of them]

UW: You need to go out more.

Me: Well, that's not really something I enjoy.

UW: Oooookayyyyy (in really sarcastic/"you're a loser" way)

[Awkward moment of silence as I stare at him in seething rage with a half-smile plastered on my face and he shakes his head and pretends he thinks I am a loser]

UW: Okay, see ya.

Me: Bye bye [in annoying sing-song tone with as much contempt as I can muster]

Analysis: Okay, so, yes, he picked on me again. He does this every. single. time. he talks to me. Without fail, he always makes fun of me in some way. Either I am stupid for wearing gloves in the office (my hands are cold, okay?), or it's the fact that I "need to go out" more, or some other stupid reason (my iPod songs suck, for example). Now, maybe this is his way of "flirting" or whatever, but it's getting really old. It's getting insulting.

Usually I just attempt to defend myself by saying "Look, I'm not a loser" or "I don't need to go out." But today I attempted to tell him straight out that "going out" (whatever the F that means) is just not something I normally do. Of course, it didn't come out as I had planned. What I really wanted to say goes something like this:

Look here, stalker-boy, I'm sick and tired of you always telling me who I need to be and what I need to do. Your opinions do not matter to me at all, mostly because I have absolutely no respect for you. I don't enjoy being picked on and verbally harassed just because you think you like me.

And for that matter, what do you know about anything anyway? You don't know me and have no right to judge me. I take pride in my life and I especially take pride in the fact that the most important thing to me isn't how many bars I managed to stumble to last weekend. It's nice to know that just because I didn't get shit-faced last night doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy myself.

I'm sorry if I do more meaningful things with my time, like watch independent films--I am a fucking film student, aren't I? And I'm really sorry that you're such a sorry fucktard that YOU need to laugh at ME just to feel good about yourself.

Please, just go back to a bar somewhere and drink your sorrows away. Go find a girl who will be impressed when you tell her all about how drunk you got in Spain, or that you used to actually know how to brew beer (ohhhh, what a useful talent in life). Please go talk to someone else, because I'm sick of trying to be nice to you. Fucker.

Whew. I feel better. And I do apologize for the profanity, but in rare instances it's just necessary to make my point.

posted by Sleepy Girl @ 4:36 PM