Validation
Sometimes I wonder how I ended up like this. Why does my happiness always depend on validation from others?I know I shouldn't care what anyobody thinks of me, but the cold hard reality is that I DO care. I care so much that something as simple as a comment can ruin my whole day.
Every time office stalker boy tells me I "don't go out enough," it hurts me a little. Despite the fact that I loathe him, it still hurts.
And it's not just other people that hurt me. I hurt myself far too often. I allow my negative thoughts to control my moods. I've broken down in tears while looking for something to wear more times than I can count.
It goes something like this: Try an outfit on, am unhappy with outfit, try another outfit, am unhappy, try a third one, am unhappy, get frustrated, look at heap of discarded clothes on bed, get more frustrated, think about how much my life sucks, throw crying fit.
What an unproductive way to spend a morning. And yet it happens. However, it hasn't happened in while (due in part to a wonderful book), but even so, I continue to look for validation.
This very morning, I had trouble finding something to wear. Now, I didn't get upset or anything, and I eventually found something. I'm just not totally happy with this outfit...it doesn't meet the idea of perfection to which I hold all aspects of my appearance (therapists calls this "appearance perfectionism").
Anyway, I saw my dad in the kitchen as I was eating breakfast, and I waited for him to tell me I looked nice. Sometimes he does that. But this morning... I got nothing, and that made me feel bad. Clearly, this is ridiculous. First of all, why does it matter what my dad thinks? Secondly, who even knows what was going through his head this morning anyway?
But the point here is that I wanted that validation. I wanted something, anything to help me believe that I looked okay. And for some reason, I can't give myself the validation...it always has to come from someone else.
I know I won't be truly happy until that reassurance comes from within.
Sometimes I wonder how I ended up like this. But maybe I should be wondering about how I can change it.
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 12:11 PM
3 Comments:
Hello neighbor! I'm from DC, too. :)
I guess what other people think of us matters because we let it matter. I'm struggling through the same thing. The big part of it is I have a very low self-esteem. I only feel somewhat better when someone says something positive about me - but even then, I'm not convinced they're telling the truth!
Hey, listen,
you're a pretty woman.
Of course, because you're a woman, you are genetically equiped with an ruthless feeling of insecurity. :) I suggest you try to try and use that in the most positive way.
Cinthia: Thanks for stopping by my blog! I know exactly how you feel. I've always had low self-esteem. Somehow we have to learn to love ourselves and know that we're good enough just the way we are.
Matt: You are too sweet! All those women in Brussels are lucky to have you!
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