Unwanted Advances
One subject that continues to perplex me is how to deal with unwanted advances. Don't get me wrong, I don't receive this unwanted attention often, but I have had my fair share over the years. My problem with it is that I am inherently just a nice, friendly person, and I have a lot of trouble being firm or standoff-ish because of that; actually, that's really just a nice way of saying that I have a problem with saying NO.
I always feel guilty, and I think up excuses that preclude me from being as blunt as I should. This in turn, gives the unwanted advancers the illusion of hope. Even though they should be getting the picture after weeks of excuses, they think I am really just that busy... that under no circumstances do I ever have time for them. But if I did have time, I of course would return their attentions. It's a maddening and tiring process.
The reason I bring all this up is that I will soon be going on a business trip where an unwanted advancer will also be present. This is someone I work with, and someone who also used to be my accquaintance (I am a little reluctant to call this person a friend). At one time, we often ate lunch together and communicated on a daily basis. This person knew I had a boyfriend and I didn't see anything wrong with having a new friend at work. But, alas, despite my best intentions to mention my boyfriend in every other sentence, this person (we'll call him UW for "Unwanted Advancer") felt it appropriate to reveal that he had more-than-friendly feelings for me. He even had the audacity to ask me, IF I didn't have a byofriend, would I reciprocate...oh, and he asked this over WORK E-MAIL. Shocked and awed, I mustered up my courage and actually flat out said "No, I would not be attracted to you." Silly me... for thinking that this would work.
After that occurred, UW seemed to ignore the fact that he should have been embarassed and continued to be my friend, saying everything was fine. At this point, I really should have cut off all communication, but I didn't. I was at a new job, I desperately needed someone to talk to around the office, and UW was a nice person when he wasn't making unwanted advances. So, a month or two goes by. Then one day, when we are sitting outside on a bench, he AGAIN breaches the subject of his feelings. I sit slack-jawed for a minute, half not believing that this is actually occuring... why would someone open themselves up for embarassment like that again? So basically I say I do not reciprocate, and that everything is fine between us, yada yada yada.
But later I realize everything is not fine. It is awkward and I now feel more uncomfortable than ever with UW. So I e-mail him. I tell him I do not appreciate his advances and that I do not feel that way. I also tell him that I no longer want to have lunch with him or otherwise speak with or see him outside of our office. All he writes back is, "I respect your wishes." And he did, for a while. He really didn't come to my cubicle at all. We had almost zero communication. After some time though, UW started coming around again for brief conversations. But to this day, I feel awkward, and I think our conversations are awkward. We really have nothing to talk about.
Now, back to the reason I started this. I am worried about the trip because I will be forced to interact with UW in non-work, social settings. I do want to "give him the wrong idea" again by being nice. But how can I not be nice? It will be difficult to avoid UW, so I think my best bet is to just avoid being alone with him. I will be on my most guarded, aloof behavior around him, which is really sad for me, because it takes away from some of the fun of being away in a cool place experiencing new things. I now realize that, had I been less accessible and accomodating to his feelings from the start, this whole situation may not have escalated. And that, boys and girls, is our lesson for today. Girls, never hesitate to say "no" to a guy. And if you are getting unwanted advances from him, stop the relationship right there, or he'll never get the idea. And guys, can you please help us out here as well? If we say we don't like you, please leave us alone. We'll let you know if we want your advances. Believe me, you don't want to be that UW that a girls tells her friends about.
Rested, rejuvenated, and... still sleepy?
I have resurfaced from that place I came from. Actually, I resurfaced on Monday, but I wasn't quite ready or articulate enough to resurface on this blog. The vacation...was lovely. Just lovely. I had a lovely time swimming in the lovely clear water of Stony Lake, a lovely time sleeping in until the lovely hour of 10 am (who knew that when given the chance to sleep...well, forever...I would wake up at TEN?!), and a lovely time reading my lovely books in the lovely sun all day. Here are some highlights:
- A squirrel broke into the cottage during the night and ate bread, butter and hamburger buns. He came in through a hole in the window screen and then attempted to take the entire bag of bread back out the window with him, but he lost due to the laws of gravity and space.
- I sat in the sun every single day and still barely have a tan. I doused my hair with Sun-In every day as well, and have only a few measly highlights to show for it.
- We got stopped in the boat by a police boat for an inspection and the officer lectured us about how our "American" life jackets weren't good enough. He said Canada's life jackets are so good that NASA uses them. Ha!
- I finallllly got to go on the Maid of the Mist boat at Niagara Falls and it was just as (if not more) amazing than I imagined it would be. We were right up by the base of the Canadian horseshoe falls and they were spraying us! There is something extremely gratifying about being rained on by fresh, clear falls water. It is something like being re-born, especially when the boat starts rocking around and the wind blows through your hair and your too-big blue poncho lifts off your sticky skin like a piece of tape. I'd do it again in a second.
- We ate at this expensive little Italian restaurant in Niagara, where we sat on the outside patio with a guy playing ACCORDIAN music. I was so happy to be living my vacation restaurant dream that I didn't even mind that the restuarant was across the street from the 3-D Dino ride, or that the entrees cost $25 a pop. I paid and it was just lovely.
- I went up the CN Tower in Toronto, one of the tallest buildings in North America. There is a 6-inch-thick glass floor at the top you can step on, and you can see all the way down to the streets below! I of course stepped on it and got my requisite picture taken.
- We ate twice at Planet Hollywood due to K's obsession with their chorizo nachos. I think it is quite silly to eat at a very American restaurant in another country, but I was powerless to stop it. Plus, their nachos really are damn good.
- We went to a bar/restaurant in Toronto that had the best mango daquiris and pina coladas I have ever tasted. I had three of them.
- We stayed in the honeymoon suite in Niagara. It was a very large room with a very nice heart-shaped, elevated jacuzzi (no, really) with jets, but it would NOT have been a nice room for an actual honeymoon. Note to self: Do not honeymoon in Niagara, despite your inclincation to have a honeymoon kiss on the Maid of the Mist.
All in all, a very successful trip. However, the problem with very successful trips is...it is such a downer to return to your normal life. I think maybe there should be a name for the post-trip downer...maybe post-traumatic trip syndrome? See, the problem with PTTS is that regular life is never as glamorous, exciting or clean (yes, clean) as your vacation was. For example, I returned to a very messy apartment, with my stack of mail still sitting in its shoebox by the door, my shoes still splayed out on the carpet like land mines, and my bedroom chair still piled high in a heap of clothes. I also returned to the monotony of work, to the same tasks I had started but not finished before I left on vacation.
So how is a girl to deal with PTTS? Well, if you're me at the moment, you go home and cry. It took about four days for my PTTS to set in, but yesterday it unleashed in a steady of stream of tears as I took the elevator up to my apartment. Good thing no one was in the elevator with me. Now, PTTS wasn't the only thing that brought on my salty pity party...I think it was that combined with the fact that (a) I am a highly emotional and sensitive (i.e., volatile) person, (b) I am pre-menstrual, (c) I have a business trip in a week that I don't feel like going on because I am already tired from my vacation, and (d) I start class the day I return from said business trip and that is a tad bit VERY stressful for me.
Anyway, enough of my rant. The point is that I enjoyed my vacation, and now I need a vacation from my vacation so that I can catch up on sleep, do laundry, clean the apartment, and prepare for my business trip and school.
See? I just can't win.
Find me in the wilderness
I got so carried away with my last post that I forgot to mention that I am leaving the country as of tomorrow! My annual Canada trip has arrived, and I couldn't be more excited. I'll be off in the wilderness of Ontario for 9 days folks. Yes, count 'em, NINE days of rest, relaxation and cooler weather. I will also be visiting Niagara Falls, where I'll finally get to ride the legendary Maid of the Mist, as well as Toronto, where I'll get to enjoy some great deals at the Roots outlet store. I will also be partaking in the joys of lake swimming and consuming excellent home-cooked meals. Stay tuned for a full re-cap and gorgeous scenic pics upon my return. And try not to miss me too much.
Oh, Canada, I will be with you soon!
Reading other people's lives...
Last night, my sister and her boyfriend were over at my apartment, and they began reading my blog on my computer. I have to admit, a wave of embarassment came over me. Why is it that, while I don't mind baring my innermost thoughts to the entire Internet world, it bothers me to bare those same thoughts to only two people (who I am very close with) sitting right next to me? I'll tell you why... because when they are next to me, I can see the reactions in their faces. I can see their eyes moving over the page and I immediately start to wonder what they are thinking. I feel judged when they are sitting right there. But when my audience is only connected to me by a bunch of wires or satellities (or however the heck the Internet is built) spread through the universe, I usually don't feel any judgement at all.
So this brings me to my next musing. What exactly is it that makes public blogs so alluring? I have a constant yearning to write in my blog... and I have just as much of a yearning to read other people's. It's a constant pull... a pull to escape one's own life by... reading other people's, I guess. Maybe it's that voyeur in all of us coming out. We're all nosy, some of us more than others, and who doesn't want to read about so-and-so's latest gripe or tryst? Reading other people's lives make our own lives seem, well,
normal. We say, "Hey! She's just like me! She's obsessed with her hair too!" or... "Wow, I thought my love life was bad, but this poor girl's break-up stories make it seem like a dream."
So, now we understand why we read other people's blogs, but what are the benefits of having an audience to
your own thoughts? As I have mentioned before, I think writing for an audience gives us a reason to write. Writing for ourselves is a great thing...very therapeutic...but I find that writing and knowing that other people may read it brings on a new quality...danger. Danger and even conflict. We wonder what these people will think of us. Do they like our writing? Our lives? Are they interested in us? Are we offering some sort of entertainment value? Are we helping them?
Yes, writing in a public blog has the ability to
impact people. It's a narcissim thing, really. We want to know that we are making a mark on the world... even if that mark is as silly as a blog entry about flowers. Plus, there's always the off-chance that a blog can make you famous (see
Diary of a Fired Flight Attendant and the
Washingtonienne). The
Washington Post Express even has a small column dedicated to interesting quotes from people's blogs. Just the other day it featured a few sentences from a fellow DC blogger. And when I saw that her witty remark had made it into print, boy was I impressed! Envious, even! Blogs have made it to the big-time, and anyone who thinks they're silly or doesn't see their merits is in the minority.
Honestly, you can't tell me you don't want to read other people's lives. You do, so just let out the voyeur you always wanted to be. Or, better yet, start a blog and join the empire. It really can be good for the soul. Just the fact that people care gives you a feeling of...well, I'm not sure what it is...accomplishment? Pride? Camraderie? Maybe it's satisfaction, but whatever it is, it's a way to have an impact. And I think having an impact is everyone's secret dream. I know it's mine...in a not-so-secret way. For example, in the car on the way to work this very morning I was thinking about impact and the like, and I thought to myself, "I'm going to write a book! I'm really going to write it, and people will love it! It will change their lives and the landscape of publishing! I will became famous and never have to work again!" See, there you go folks.
Impact. A blog is simply a small step in that direction.
Old-Fashioned Romance
I've always considered myself a bit of a romantic. I like romantic gestures...but I'm usually not the one making these gestures. I have an old-fashioned view of romance, I guess, because I feel that flowers and candle lit dinners are best left up to the guy. However, I've come to find out that most guys are not romantic in this way. And why should they be? They are men and they do not have the same inclinations as us women...we're always planning and scheming to please our partners, while they are thinking about what type of beer they want to drink, or when they'll next get to have sex.
I know this seems like a cynical view, but I've accepted the fact that men are simply a different animal. They think differently and we can't force them to think our way. But what we
can do, as I realized yesterday, is create our
own romance. So, yesterday, I returned from work at about 5:15 (early even for me), and realized I had almost two hours until K returned from exercising. I was absolutely famished, so I began making dinner. My simple pasta dish turned into three dishes as a scheme began cooking in my head...why not make an amazing meal? I had time, I had ingredients, and I almost never cook, making this all the more special.
After about an hour, I had cleaned up the kitchen and main room, laid out the table with candles and wine glasses, and had two pots (squash tortellini and teriyaki vegetables) bubbling on the stove. For the first course, I made a fresh batch of guacamole with chopped tomatoes. With the cooking under control, I decided to concentrate on more important matters...my look. I put on the sexiest thing I could think of (though I'm not going to mention it here) and my high strappy shoes. I also french-braided my hair, just how K likes it.
For the finishing touches, I took out the bottle of chilled peach chardonnay I had placed in the freezer, poured the wine, lit the candles, dimmed the lights, and tuned the radio to a soft jazz station. It was perfect. And you know what? It was liberating. I felt so in control, so capable, so wonderfully attractive. Please note that I don't usually feel "wonderfully attractive"...but prancing around in my little outfit and heeled shoes made me feel...
sexy.
Yes, sexy. It felt good to do this for K, but it felt just as good (in a different way) to do it for myself.
So, I'll skip the rest of the night, but he came home and loved it, obviously. He was very surprised and happy. There's nothing like a little bit of old-fashioned romance to jump-start a relationship. And even though I wish every night could be as magical as that was, that's not how life is. It is difficult to escape our mundane routines, and even more difficult to
know that we need an escape. And if I have to be the one to initiate an escape, then so be it. But, as I told K, this is not and should not be just a woman's job. Men have romantic genes in them somewhere. Romance doesn't have to be a big production, either. It can be as simple as candles in the bedroom and a flower on the pillow. I wish everyone a little bit of romance in their life!
My own personal drug
It has happened to me. Again. A little thing we call "writer's block." This is really getting old, people. I write for a freakin' living. And yet lately I suck at it. And like I said before, a couple posts back in my old Blurty journal, it's the material that's the problem. It becomes so tiring writing about the same types of things. This time around it is distracted driving, which is actually rather interesting. I don't mind reading about it, but I sure as heck do not want to write about it.
I thought maybe some Christian contemporary music would help me, because usually it inspires me. But I guess it only inspires under normal circumstances, because it's not working. These are not normal circumstances...these are extreme fifth stage writer's block circumstances. This is me being stubborn and practically refusing to write. I've tried to stimulate myself...I've read other people's blogs, I've read over my interview notes, I've been listening to this music all day...it's all in vain.
So, then I start looking through my personal files, and I find one called "random." I wrote this little paragraph a few months ago, back when I was trying to do my grad school essay:
I’m having the urge to write. Maybe that’s why my e-mails have been so poetic lately. I am feeling things that need writing. I love that place I go when I have these thoughts floating around in my head and they jump out and on to the paper like I willed them to do it. And by the time you take a breath and look up, you’ve got a page of words. Then another page. And another. It makes me feel special. Accomplished. Like I can do anything. I think this must be how books get written.
A magical night of bliss begins and ends with a kiss.Una notte d’amore magica inizia e finisce con un bacio. Yes, it is a completely random thing to write. But now when I can't seem to get a thought on paper, I can look at that paragraph and take myself back to that day when I felt like I could write a novel. And you know what happened that day after I wrote that paragraph? I wrote my entire grad school essay. The whole thing! And I know it was half decent, because a month later I got my acceptance letter. Writing really is like some sort of drug. Even though I don't technically know what being "high" is like, I imagine it is somewhat like the way I feel when I write. So how do I get that feeling now? I read my random paragraph over and over and wait for my high to come. Writing...my own personal drug.
