On Lonliness
Okay, so I'm tryin' to figure out something: Why am I so damn lonely?I don't live alone. I have friends. I have people I can call. I have a great family and in fact live with three-quarters of them. I have pets. I have nice co-workers, a job, classmates at school.
But there is one thing I don't have, and I bet you can guess what it is: A boyfriend.
So, to revise my original question, why does my happiness depend on having a boyfriend?
On the phone the other day, my sister told me that I shouldn't expect to be happy with a guy until I can first be happy alone. Of course, I immediately bucked this concept. Because, really, have I ever been happy alone? No.
I didn't have a boyfriend until the end of my junior year in high school. And, yes, for the majority of those first 17 or so years of my life, I was alone and miserable. I was always insecure, always yearning for attention from the opposite sex. Always shy, always having crushes who would never ever return my affections.
When I finally did start dating, I tended to latch myself on to people, which explains why I've already had two very serious, lengthy relationships at the tender age of 23. I bounced from one relationship, one kiss even, to the next. I couldn't bear to be alone even for a small period of time.
The one exception is the summer after my sophomore year of college, all of which I spent completely single. And actually, it was a great summer. I spent it with my best friend S., who was also single at the time, going to concerts and goofing off. I never had any real dates. Maybe just a hook-up or two. And I was okay, self-confident, and even happy.
So how do I get back to that place now? Somehow my confidence has plummeted this past year, and I don't know how to fix it. It's like I'm afraid to just be me.
When I'm alone with myself, which is far too often during my commutes to work/class, my thoughts always lead to dark places. I am constantly worrying about everything from my body to work to my family. But mostly, I'm feeling lonely on those car rides.
K used to tell me all the time that I was beautiful. I always thought I didn't need that encouragement, but I was wrong. Because now that no one's (revision: no guy's) telling me, I don't feel so beautiful.
Today, for instance, I got all dressed nice in a skirt, straightened my hair, put on my pearls, did everything. And yet...I still feel like crap. I LOOK like crap. My mom and dad both told me I looked nice, but that didn't make me believe it.
I know it's all in my head. I feel like some attention from a guy would make me feel better...but is that really true? Probably not.
So, bottom line: I think my sister is right.
I need to fix myself before I can expect someone else to fix me. Because who wants that job, anyway?!?
Quick V-Day update: It was uneventful. UW (i.e., office stalker boy) gave me simple card. He gave a bunch of girls in the office cards. Pretty nice, actually. My boss gave me a single rose - so sweet of her.
And my dad gave me a pot of flowers and an adorable red frog stuffed animal which I have appropriately named "Froggie." My family also had a nice dinner with the good wine glasses and homemade pineapple upside-down cake. I guess it wasn't so bad after all...
posted by Sleepy Girl @ 12:41 PM
5 Comments:
If you look for something (or someone) you will not find it OR you will find the wrong thing you are searching for.
When that something (or someone) finds YOU is when you have it made in the shade.
So relax.
Have fun.
Enjoy yourself.
A boyfriend may find you any minute.
I agree with silver surfer...and furthermore, when you stop looking usually coincides with when you are content and happy to be alone.
I think being alone is harder on women than it is on men because women are created to love and they need a love object. Women were created to love because loving is what makes good mothers.
You are an attractive, intelligent girl and your time will come. For now, just be friendly to everyone and smile a lot. Send out love and it will be reflected back to you.
And learn to enjoy your own company. It's an art, and it's learnable.
BTW, You have a great blog. In my opinion, it's one of the best I've been to, and I've been to a lot.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. All of your points make a lot of sense. I guess I just need to stop trying so hard and live my life. As for enjoying my own company, I haven't mastered that quite yet, but I'll work on it.
And Gary, thank you so much for the compliment about my blog. It means a lot to me and I am very flattered.
As hard as it may be to accept it, your sister is probably right. You have to learn to love yourself and be happy by yourself before you can truly love someone else and be completely happy with that person.
And I always say that love knocks at your door when you're least expecting it. So until then, take care of yourself and try to find things/activities that make you happy whether it is to learn a new hobby, spend quality time with your friends, smile at people or volunteer. In the process, you will grow as a person, become happier and perhaps even stumble upon someone special. ;) Life is full of surprises like that. Good luck!
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